Timewarp
Or how to make your flatmate think you are God.

My flatmate John shambled down into the living room after a particularly heavy night. He sat in his dressing gown, scratching his bollocks, yawning, and looking rougher than a monkeys chuff.

He glanced up at the clock absently.

"Fuckkinell, Spanky - the Cup Final's about to start!"

Strange that, quite a coincidence him getting his sweaty carcass out of bed just in time.

John shambled into the kitchen, "You want a beer, mate?" he asked. Stupid question, really.

I sorted out the TV and we sat down to watch the match. Arsenal vs Liverpool, 2001 Cup Final.

After seven minutes sipping beer and watching the match, I said: "Freddie Ljungberg's gonna score now."

"Ha! Not fucking likely!" Says John, a BIG Liverpool fan (what with him being from Kent).

And then Freddie Ljungberg scored.

John looked shocked. He took a HUGE swing from his Bud and said: "Jesus, Spanky, how the FUCK did you see that coming!?!"

After a few more minutes I said: "I reckon the Gunners are gonna have a blatant penalty decision turned down. See that gangly fella there, that Henchoz? I've got a feeling he's gonna handball in the area... But Arsenal are gonna get fuck all..."

John, still scratching his bollocks - something he did alo when nervous - perched on the edge of the sofa staring at the screen intently.

And moments later Henchoz did, indeed, handle the ball in the penalty area. And Arsenal did, indeed, get fuck all from the ref.

John was baffled. He rolled a nice fat doobie to console himself whilst looking at me in perplexed hungover awe. I beamed a big bright smile back at him and turned my attention back to the match.

And we sat and drank and smoked and talked bollocks.

It was a tense affair on the pitch, very close. But with eighty minutes gone I said: "Don't worry, John. Your boys are gonna be ok. Michael Owen's gonna score two in the last ten minutes. Trust me, I've got a really strong feeling about it."

"I hope you're right, Spanky," John said, trying to divide his attention between the TV screen and his flatmate with the superpowers.

In due course the midget England forward, Michael Owen, slotted home two goals for the Reds, handing them the cup.

It was very moving.

John was too scared to celebrate when the final whistle went. He just stared at me, his mouth open, a joint hanging on his bottom lip. I could tell he was trying to figure out where I'd aquired my X-Men powers.

But John was a creature of habit. I realised this and knew it wouldn't be too long before he'd mumble: "I'm gonna go and get some more sleep," and fuck off back up stairs. Which is exactly what John did. When he was confused he'd invariably go to sleep.

When he'd gone back to his room and I heard the door slam shut, I leisurely went over to the clock and moved the hour hand forward a couple of hours to the correct time. Then I opened the TV cabinet and turned off the tape of the match I'd just sat through twice in the past few hours; the first time when it was shown live when John was still in bed, the second time when I played it back with John in the room after I'd recorded it.

John treated me like a God for weeks after that.

Though he did keep asking me for the Lottery numbers, which started to get right on my tits after a while.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 22:26, 3 replies)

I did similar
with university challenge and my dimwit housemate before she understood how to use Sky+. I got about 75% of all the answers right and blew her mind!
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 23:17, closed)

This is really really good!
But people on here dont seem to like football :-(

I love it! Come on Chelsea!

clicky!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 1:17, closed)

Lottery
But that's just a perfect opportunity to repeat your prank but on an apocalyptic scale! Just think of the joy, the jumping around the room, the realisation that the VCR is showing Play, and the gunshot to the head that follows. Maybe this is why it was a good idea not to do this...
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Tue 3 Mar 2009, 15:20, closed)