Phil..
.. was a copper-haired Mancunian our landlord moved in with us to fill a spare room in our student digs. He was a complete twat.

He looked like a normal person but just a lot bigger.. Like someone had inflated him. A bit like in Total Recall before they pop. His head was vast and he had big fat sausage fingers. He used to eat three dinners.

He had a guitar which he could just about muster a melody on and would perform in promptu concerts in the living room while Match of the Day was on. His voice sounded like the tape recording of a torture chamber mixed with the tape recording of a slaughterhouse. He entered X Factor.

He smelt of urine. It got so bad the smell of his room started to invade the whole house. He was obsessed with Manchester City FC and would snort lines of Maxwell House to "get up for going out".

One night after some drinking my friend Ash invented an extreme sport called The Gag. Essentially you had to thrust your face into his rancid bedsheets for as long as you could possibly bare it while others timed your effort. Ash also used his Man City shirt to wipe his bum. Phil thought it was a mud stain from playing in the park.

Everyday he would go on HotorNot and give himself a 10 rating.

I often wonder what became of Big Phil.
(Backdoor Fury .. is my wrestling alias., Tue 3 Mar 2009, 10:39, Reply)