Sabena the (older than) teenage bitch
When I met Mr Carrot, he was in a houseshare in Gosforth (nice place in north end of Newcastle) and I had some fucking how landed a gorgeous flat on the Quayside. Needless to say, more nights were spent at mine than his, mainly due to the fact that there was privacy there, and of course being new to a relationship, we were rutting like a pair of horny gophers on speed.

One night, probably due to the fact that 'im indoors was working the next morning, and his work was right next door to his house, we decided to stay over. His house was shared with 2 girls, one who was a weird Mexican hypochondriac called Vanessa, and the aforementioned bitchslag Sabena. Honestly, the girl was the kind of person you wanted to shoot and then bill her estate for the lead. Which was a shame because her mum was lovely when I met her.

Examples of her general cuntwhorishness:

Repeatedly turning the heating off. This house was a big old victorian place with no double glazing and more draughts than a CAMRA convention. Consequently, in the height of a north eastern winter, it was colder than Francesca Anobile's nipples (/hull)

Refusing to allow us to use the dishwasher because "it wasted electricity" but using the tumble dryer for her clothes all. the. fucking. time. Even if there was a force 8 gale blowing.

Her dinner would often consist of boiled cabbage, tomatoes and battered fish. She felt this fairly represented all food groups.

She was insane with use by dates. If something went even one day over its use by, it was chucked. This included stuff in the freezer.

So, as I said. Mad bitch, but this is all background.

Now we must speak about Vanessa, the Mexican housemate. Lovely, but a bit of a hypochondriac. Regularly complained of chest infections, but took about half a course of antibiotics and then stopped as she felt better. One freshly shaved wombat goes to whoever can guess what happened next.

One night, I'm in Mr C's room watching TV (as the bitch and the leper are in the living room and I cannot be bothered to speak to them). Anyway, suddenly I see blue flashing lights outside, followed by a ring on the doorbell. I look outside to see an ambulance parked in the road, and two of my erstwhile colleagues walking up the garden path. I pull on some shreddies and walk out to the hall to greet my mate John, another paramedic, as he comes through the door, which is being held open by the fuckbiscuit.

"What," I politely enquire "the sweet juddering fuck is going on?"

"Oh," says Sabena "Veronica has been taken ill. She has pains in her chest. I called an ambulance."

"Why" I gently ask" did you not think about asking the paramedic who is currently IN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE?"

"Well," the cuntweasle replies "you're not supposed to be here. This isn't your house so I decided to call the professionals."

I had my anger on the back ring on a slow gentle simmer to allow the flavours to fully develop. At this stage, I moved it right to the boiling ring and lit a thermic lance under it. How I did not kick her so hard in her festering axe wound at that stage is beyond me.

I walked with the crew into the living room. Veronica is lying on the couch in full dying swan mode. And then, Sabena says to me something that makes me bite through my lip.

"Carrot, you shouldn't be in here. You're breaching her patient confidentiality."

"So, what grounds do YOU, a completely unqualified layman have, to be here."

"Well, I'M her friend. I cared enough to call."

To which Vanessa says "Actually Sabena, I'd prefer Dave to be here. You can go and make a cup of tea.

Back. of. the. fucking net!!!

The expression on Sabena's face was like Jade Goody's hairdresser as she stormed out of the room. We did the tests, which all came out fine, and I referred Vanessa to the out of hours service. Job done. Apart from, obviously, the complete ribbing that's going to come my way any time I walk onto an ambulance station for the next 4 weeks.

2 days later, we get a letter under the door.

"Carrot and Carrot, I think due to current tensions in the house that it would be better if you move out as soon as possible. I have contacted the landlord to arrange a meeting." Turns out Vanessa had exactly the same letter.

The meeting comes. We all tell the landlord what a complete cockferret Sabena has been. He gives her 2 weeks' notice.

Ha

Ha

Ha
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 4 Mar 2009, 0:44, 8 replies)

There are shades of twisted genius in this post...

Please accept this click as an official 'Pooflake brand seal of approval'
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 4 Mar 2009, 9:07, closed)

Is that like a butt plug?
i clicked also.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Wed 4 Mar 2009, 12:13, closed)

This:
'more draughts than a CAMRA convention' made me spit tea all over my keyboard. Have a click!
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 9:17, closed)

She...
..started to breed a race of super ducks using the remainders or the antibiotics drugs to make them immune to disease. Ducks take over the world, and we all live happily ever after in nice big duck ponds?

I want my wombat.
(robbersdog, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 12:57, closed)

Extra points
(and a click) for 'a face like Jade Goody's hairdresser'. Brilliant. I'm going to start using that, hope you don't mind...
(rockdoctor, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 13:45, closed)

That's a great post!
Cheers for a great lil read, *click*
( SpankyHanky, Wed 4 Mar 2009, 17:30, closed)

Blimey
...praise from Caesar. I am indeed honoured!
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 4 Mar 2009, 19:23, closed)

winnage!
Foot bullet etc.
Nicely done.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 11:14, closed)