
What astonishingly stupid stuff have you overheard people saying? Tell us, and tell the world.
( , Thu 6 Jan 2005, 22:51)
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Firstly apologies for length, but if not now when ? I had the misfortune of sitting next to two of the most inane people who would witter on all day about bollocks. In a bid to keep sane I jotted down each of their musings, I even considered selling the list as material to the two lovely old ladies named above. The edited version I have listed below.
1. Washing machine cycle times. My new one takes two hours, they didn’t use to take that long.
2. There are quite a lot of undesirables out in the Fens, miles from nowhere.
3. Syrup sponge, treacle sponge, golden pudding, they cook it with the syrup already in.
4. Whisky. 17 year old 21 year old. They don’t make that anymore. Sherry casks, it’s colourless otherwise
5. 1963 weather on the downs, even though they’re ups. Snow was so deep I walked over a car.
6. You can’t beat a good igloo.
7. I don’t think the Germans are as good at biscuits as we are.
8. Who does the best haggis. Waitrose do a good selection.
9. What is mass ? The universe is still expanding.
10. English breakfast is better than PG Tips.
11. You need to have at least twelve screwdrivers and separate storage for screws and nails.
12. Ten minutes conversation on the inherited bottle of vanilla essence and the ten year search for a replacement.
13. Lamp post or lamp-post. It’s interesting that.
14. Types of shotgun. I tried one with a silver stock. It didn’t agree with me…
15. Classical music transposed for the trumpet.
16. Father wouldn’t let us listen to anything other than classical on the radio.
17. You’ve got to start thinking about what life is all about… What have I done.
18. Indigenous tribes of South America and discussions of various theories about them.
19. The thing I find fascinating about bluebells is…
20. What does a piece of ginger look like.
21. It’s a souffle, it’s very light, raisins, custard… It sounds very sumptuous.
22. Probate forms require the mandatory use of black ink.
23. Hanging files are better then plan chests.
24. It only protects you from true influenza. I had asian flu in the ‘50s. I was flat on my back for a week.
25. Explosive bird seed.
26. How did men on Napoleonic warships go to the toilet.
27. God made the angels and everything. Are you being faceitious?
28. You’re very magnanamous about the packed lunches.
29. The thicker the skin the better the custard.
30. The mysticism of the oven.
31. Just like an umbrella what goes up must come down, just as things go in must come out.
32. Opinionated academics with a dislike for curtains. He would sit there listeneing to the academics… It was a hoot.
33. As a kid his father would not read him bedtime stories. He would be read Keats, Shakespeare and stuff like that, can you imagine… some people…
34. Red onions make a colourful addition to the plate.
35. Is a Dutch euro different from a German euro ?
36. Step-ladder or pair of steps, mmm, which one is right. Just makes me laugh that.
37. I’ve got an antique sewing machine, you’ll probably get £20 or £30 for it, even if it went to a good home, I just don’t want to chuck it.
38. Handwriting experts analysed the Cortina logo on the old mark one cars and said it was written by a schitzophrenic.
39. Its only a sniff away from Dover sole.
40. They served battered cauliflower florets for breakfast. Did you realise what they were ?
41. I used to have a Faber Castell slide rule. Oh yes, they were the best. How long was yours. Really clever people had circular ones or even spiral ones.
42. Catarrh counts for a lot of modern day illnesses. I’ve been using menthol crystals for the last few days. Olbas oil is quite good. I don’t think it can go off. I’ve had mine three years. Menthol crystals are only a single chemical all they can do is evaporate
43. An hour before midnight is worth two after. That’s true that is.
44. The nice bit about playing an instrument is that each time you play a piece of music you are creating a unique version of that tune.
45. Have you ever seen a cow hit by a cricket ball whilst it’s having a poo. I have, it was dead funny.
46. PH “They’ve got three IBC’s full of rain water”. CJM “Where did that come from”. Everybody “the sky”
47. He had an intimate knowledge of the history of the Royston postal system. He used to collect interesting postmarks from around the country.
48. I have no knowledge of the mechanisms of adhesion.
49. I was just wondering where Azerbajan is, is it on the Caspian sea or the Black sea ?
50. Tesco’s have been doing a nice line in sprats. I’ve been looking this week but they’ve sold out. They’re lovely headed and tailed. No I only head them. I crunch the lot. Nicely crispy fried with a bit of bread.
51. CJM. “Do you know in what position Dave Barker fell in the car park”. PBS collapsing onto the floor. “I don’t know, something like this?”
52. Are you aware of pyrophoric materials ?
53. Strictly speaking aluminium shouldn’t exist.
54. Did you ever hear of the fate of Winchester cathedral ? It was built on beech timbers on a peat bed. You might like to read those two columns on entry into a confined space. It says they worked for five years down in the mud.
55. That’s not my sort of muffin really.
56. A weld is not a weld it’s a minefield.
57. C&A were very good for ties and t-shirts
58. I heard on the radio that they’re doing away with condensed milk.
59. I used to play wet nurse to a steam roller.
60. My wife does the monthly shopping every month.
( , Mon 10 Jan 2005, 10:30, Reply)
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