Driving Instructions
Soon after I was assessed to drive vehicles for the Royal Mail, I was packed off to the wilderness to work, where I've been ever since. The sort of rural offices where I went bouncing in and was met with, "Here you. Are you from the big city?" "Aye, Stirling's a real sprawling metropolis lads."

Anyhow, on the rural duties, I got three days training: one day the established postie showing you the run and two days doing it yourself, but with the old postie in the passenger seat. First day in and I'm soaking all the information in no problem. About a quarter of the way in and we come to a cattle grid which has a dip in it, which had caused by an articulated lorry. So the old boy says: "Remember, SLOW DOWN here." "Nae bother old boy."

So, second day on the duty and we're approaching this cattle grid. Now, the problem with this was that it was at the end of an exceedingly long, flat straight which I found was quite easy to cruise along at a fair speed. "Remember the cattle grid?" "Sure do". And I start to lift off the accelerator. Not brake, but lift off. Surely, the dip can't be that bad? "You are remembering the cattle grid?" "Aye of course, there it is there."

And there it was there. At about 20mph, which doesn't sound at lot, we hit the cattle grid and found out that it WAS a lot. The dip was in the passengers side and as we clattered off this bump, the old boy was airborne and clattered his head off the ceiling of the van. Fuck. A day in and I've potentially injured the senior postman and fucked the van. As it transpired, he was alright and surprisingly, so was the van: the only thing I had damaged was the screen washer tank, as well as my reputation. Every postie in the sticks now knows about my cattle grid exploits, as well as the mechanics and use it whenever they can...I take it easy over that cattle grid nowadays, although the straight is still fun...
(Rob Roy The Postie is looking for alternative employment, Wed 10 May 2006, 19:12, Reply)