Claret
One morning I awoke from my slumber and, as usual, stumbled bleary-eyed to the loo. Did my number ones. Wondered about a bit of a back-ache, but being at uni I had a tiny single bed with a crappy old mattress so I thought no more of it.

I had my breakfast and went for a wee and then left.

By the time I got to uni, I was desperate, so I nipped to the loo for a widdle. Not much came out. I bought a bottle of water.

When I left the shop, I visited the gents opposite for a quick tinkle before I went to my first lecture. By the time I got to my lecture I needed to go again. Each time I went less and less came out and it burned more and more. I drank water and felt a little concerned. Perhaps now would be a good time to register with the campus doc.

Anyway, those copepods wouldn't learn about themselves, so off to my lecture, stopping for a whizz first. Five minutes in and I'm doing the leg-jiggle thing. Ten minutes in and I had to run out and "for this release, much thanks..."

You get the idea. This happened a couple more times. Then, finally, nothing came out at all and it was hurty. Then blood started coming out and it was hurtier still. I thought hospital would be a good idea.

There's nothing quite as strange as walking into a hospital and saying to the receptionist "hello - I'm weeing blood. Can I see a doctor please?". I did see a rather attractive lady doctor and she became the second woman ever to see my winkle. Not, however, at its best: by this time there was goo coming out of it too. She made me wee in a pot ("I'd like you to fill this for me, please" "what, from here?") and I returned with a trickle of incredibly red liquid in a pot.

She dipped a test stick in it, waited 30 seconds, looked at it, looked me in the eye and said "well, there's certainly some blood in here".

I got better. I had scans and things and it was just an infection. There's a nearly funny story involving x-rays, student radiographers, and laxatives, too. I'll leave that one for when the question of the week is "tell us about the time you nearly crapped yourself on the M4 having been felt up by your girlfriend's friends".
(Fat Bear is adjusting your breasts on, Fri 14 Jul 2006, 10:34, Reply)