b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » I hurt my rude bits » Page 1 | Search
This is a question I hurt my rude bits

Spent all day with a sore bum, went to the loo to check it out and found blood in my pants. Not good. Piles? Checked in the shower and pulled a staple from my arse. Serves me right for leaving an old pencil case in my underwear drawer. BTW: On relating this story to a friend they said, "some people will do anything for a prick up their bottom."

(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:00)
Pages: Latest, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ... 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

Back in the days when I was at university,
myself and my young lady companion of the time were amusing ourselves in bed. She was on top, bouncing rather enthusiastically upon my... well, you get the idea. Unfortunately, one of those bounces took her right off my old chap and as she came crashing back down things didn't quite line up properly. Instead of carrying on merrily, my old chap was folded in half - completely flat. For a moment or two I honestly thought it was going to be ok, and then I realised that I'd be walking funny for a couple of weeks and not be ready for action for a little while longer.

The extensive purple bruising was quite impressive though. Take away the pain but leave the swelling, indeed.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:52, Reply)
How come the scrotum has the magic ability to get incredibly, relentlessly itchy but not initially painful?
For example, my ballbags often itch like buggery, as is true with most men (and a few odd women). However, they are impossible to scratch, as there is no "substance" to scratch against. Thus, a "breadcrumbing" method has to be used, which ends up making it more itchy, and eventually ends up drawing blood and creating large amounts of scar tissue.

Ouch. Damn you, jesus.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:47, Reply)
I once
got hit very hard in the bollocks by a football and now, eight years on, I'm completely sterile.
I'm saving up to sue the PE teacher in question and my old LEA; my solicitors are monitoring the traffic from this page and receive 50p every time someone clicks "I like this!".
Thank you, thank you - you are so kind (etc.)
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:46, Reply)
Oh dear, not so funny
I developed an annoying ache in my left testicle about two years ago. I also noticed that it had a strange habit of returning into the body cavity whence it came.

I went to the docs.

They said I had twisted it. Quite common, I hear.

Two weeks later I was in serious pain.

I went to the local hospital. I had an ultrasound investigation.

I was told I had testicular microlithiasis - rare enough for my GP to not have heard of it. Basically, I've got a stony ball. There may or may not be an elevated risk of cancer.

Fortunately, it doesn't hurt much and I've got used to it.

Still, not fun.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:44, Reply)
Plastic Ring
I was aged 10 and jumping around on one of those space hoppers with the plastic ring around them that you stand on. My Mum shouted to me from the Caravan..(the shame) and I miss judged a jump.. falling over.. The aforementioned plastic ring is about the same width as my arse crack and painfully inserted itself there. My Mother spent some time that evening rubbing Savlon into my grazed posterior.

On another note... It was around the same that I sat down on some greenheart wood that my father had in the garden (it's a hard wood treated with arsenic to preserve it to be used in docks/ports). I got splinters all over my arse and laid on the floor while my Mum took the tweezers to my bum... you have to get the splinters out or you get blood poisoning from the arsenic. Most painful experience of my life.. and that's just the embarassment.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:42, Reply)
Not my rude bit thank god
I was at a young farmers dance, although i wasn't a farmer I lived in a village and you don't turn down the invites it was always a great laugh and beer flowed freely. Although they tended to be held in barns, so toilets are those porta potties. Us gents being the gents that we are leave the porta potties for the ladies to use and drained ourselves near another field. As me and another two guys were getting rid of the beer we had drank one of them does that "See how high I can pee" thing and all of a sudden drops like a sack of shit onto the fence. Starts twitching and is still pissing all over himself. Turns out the field contained cows and had an electric fence around it to stop them from leaving. oh how we laughed. Suppose he did too, he was pissing himself.

random knob joke
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:41, Reply)
as i haven't had a tan on my torso for the last 4 or 5 years
i swallowed my pride and tried a tanning bed for the first time. my moral-support female friend advised me to not wear my boxers while i'm inside, so the fabric doesn't burn my arse.

well, she may have been on to something, but the bed itself burned the unholy shite out of my buttocks, i now have a large red oval on each, and to make matters worse i couldn't get my bollocks to lay to the side on my thighs so they kept slipping down and getting scorched on the hot plastic. i won't describe that burn mark.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:40, Reply)
Sat down rather too quick one day
as i hapened to be wearing boxers at the time under the trousers..sqausshed my love muffins..hard..said so loudly whilst swearing...

Still gave the customers(where i was working at the time) a laugh eh?
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:40, Reply)
I didn't hurt a rude bit
but the act was rude, & it hurt the area in question.

You know when you swallow something too fast sometimes, it comes out your nose? Yes, it's what you're thinking.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:30, Reply)
scrotum - bmx interface
I was 10 or 11. I was on the back of my mate's bmx when he unexpectedly did a bunny hop. I levitated off the saddle and the bike moved on without me until I landed on the back wheel, traveled very briefly with it and came to a excruciating stop with my bollocks caught in the break bits. I was stuck. I had to be virtually carried home where my dad removed the bike. My nuts swelled up and I nearly needed a wheelbarrow. I walked like John Wayne for a couple of weeks...people still remember it now.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:29, Reply)
damn that bitch
i was a wee nipper, 12 at most. my best friend fancied this girl called melissa. she was hot and norks that a 12 year could have been oh so very proud of. obviously she was a bit a slag. i told her so.


this was not the best move i have ever made. not only was she we developed in the chest region but had legs that could have been on a catwalk (a 12 year old catwalk). she charged. i ran away. fast. i was almost clear, out of reach of her fingertips. i looked around to laugh in her face and gloat and didnt notice my friend nick step into my way. nick was a rotund fellow at the best of times and i was and still am a lanky streak of piss.

i bounced off nick down a small area of rubble and stones by the side of one of the mobiles at school, hitting my bollocks on a sharp and pointy bit of brick. it hurt a lot. i was in agony. there were tears in my eyes. there were tears in everyone elses eyes as well as they pissed themselves at me. i mangaged to drag myself up and to the toilet to examine myself, for i had never felt pain like it. not only had i given my boys an unhealthy bashing, i had scrapped my scrote and was bleeding profusely (well not profusely but enough to see that it was more than a shaving cut.) i was unsure what to do so as any self respecting boy would do i stuck a small amount of tissue paper into my boxers and hoped it would stop. i cam out of the toilet some 10 minutes later feeling a little better. i went and stood with my friendsa again. i wasnt quite with it and when the delightful melissa came walking towards me i thought it was all over. she seemed genuinely concerned aboutthe state of my nuts. she wasnt. it was all a cunning ruse to knee me so had in the balls i got lifted of the floor. never before or after have i been in more agony. ( i ywisted my knee and spent six months on cruthes - nowhere near as bad). ash and nick picked me up and carried me into a classroom where i lay on a table for a good hour before i could even contemplate moving.

still i got my own back. i pulled her and then told nasty rumours about how fishy she smelt. a few years later she got knocked up at the tender age of 15 and now i am on my way to becoming a doctor. there is a moral there somewhere.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:28, Reply)
The pain!
I was five and had croup and the evil doctors decided that the solution to this was to SHOVE A LARGE SUPPOSITORY UP MY TINY FIVE YEAR OLD ARSEHOLE.

I remember being stunned into silence and my eyes watering. Now seventeen years later I just have nightmares...
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:28, Reply)
Baldock Ball Basher
Walking home from school watching a few people walking along the steel crash barrier. In the rain. Unfortunatly, Rob just happened to slip on the part where one section is bolted to the other. 3 crash barrier bolts to the nads, a scream of pain followed by running off. We didnt see him for a week, and he couldnt hear enough about it for the week after that.

On a personal note, I once had my ass munched on by a dog. Never make sandwiches with ham and quickly wipe your hands on your jeans.

pop ^_^
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:27, Reply)
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:26, Reply)
kicked in the crotch by older boy,
surprising pain, but not the ball-ache variety,
go, clutching parts, to the loo, to be confronted by a wet red stain on my pants, pissed blood, (stung like a bastard)
went to the school nurse (an old dear) and showed her my injured member
sent away with a couple of paracetamol, the uncaring cow

turns out, i'd snapped my banjo string :(
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:25, Reply)
just hobbled back in after practicing my poi... corkscrewing away, concentrating really hard (ain't been doing it too long you see) when a guy and his dog wander up behind me and asks in a loud, nothern voice,

"wha's all this then?"

Cue lapse of concentration, cue whirling bag of lead shot landing squarely in the ol' love spuds. ouch!
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:24, Reply)
I got bitten on ma nipple that hurt

sorry i jus never been on the first page b4 n well ma sentance story does count. Peace
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:21, Reply)
need i say more?
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:20, Reply)
A mate of mine
Used deep heat to wank with

True story, naming no names, Glenn
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:19, Reply)
I was dismantling an old Ford Granada (one of the big boxy ones)
with my brother, about 8 years ago, for banger racing. I was a bit mechanically minded, but weedy, and my usual jobs were "hold this, fetch that" tasks.
This time we were swopping out the steering rack, so it was my job to sit in the car and hold the steering wheel whilst my brother disconnected something in the engine bay.
Those old Granadas were heavy beasts, and thus had a nice big steering wheel on it (to help the gearing), and this is connected to the front by a fat metal bar (about the same thickness as a scaffold pole.)
Distracted by the stripped-out interior of the car, my attention wandered, until my bro unscrewed the bolt connecting the steering column to the car, and the whole wheel and column (a good 15-20kg) dropped into my lap. In one swift move, my dear old bro then pushed the bar forward, back, forward, back, wrestling the column out of it's mounting until I gained enough awareness of the world outside the sharp white universe of pain, to scream. All in all I suffered about six blows to the plums in 10 seconds.

In Poland they laugh at the length, until I point out inches are 2.5 times bigger.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:18, Reply)
"What..." *not paying attention - scrolling through iPod*
"Mr. Macey's arranged a class trip for our Form at school!"
"Wanna know where it's too?"
"BANGKOK! LOL!" *smacks in crotch, full pelt*

I was only wearing swimming trunks at the time. They offered no protection that the fly of a pair of sturdy jeans might offer. It bled, it bled.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:18, Reply)
Burnt my balls
Had a bad case of bronchitis. Doctor told me to do a steam inhalation. Thus I placed a bowl of boiling water with euclayptus extract on my desk and proceeded to put a towel over the bowl and place my head underneath. Unfortunately as I stood up having finish said inhalation, somehow the towel got caught under the bowl sending it flying into my lap. My meat and two veg were soaked in boiling water. I screamed in agony and eventually managed to call 999. Unfortunately I was told I lived to close to the hospital to be picked up for a non life threatening injury! I managed to limp off to hospital where I spent 4 hours in casualty, naked with a bag of ice on my balls.

Also I once had a "back, sack and crack," well more like a "sack and crack" since my back ain't hairy. Why you ask? Why not. Wanted to see what all the fuss was about when women complain about the pain of waxing. Now I know. The wax managed to take a layer of skin off. My balls looked like a couple of angry plums for about the next week. To make it worse I then went in the sea later the next day. Jesus, still brings tears to my eyes.

Oh and I also once slept with a girl who had slipped whilst trying to climb a fence and thus had a kind of second gash next to her bearded clam. Thought I was just drunk when I went down on her. Wasn't until the morning when I went down on her again, I realised. After that I turned gay.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:18, Reply)
While in New York
I was traveling from our room to a friends 3 floors below. Due to the appealing lift system we went on foot down the stairs. I preformed this task in socks and being young and male it turned into a bit of a race.

As we reached the correct floor (I was leading) I slipped on the bottom stair, rotated 90 degrees in the air and landed one butt cheek on the last step, one on the floor below. After getting up and collecting my thoughts there was a distinct stretched and torn feeling in my ares.

My arse hurt for a good few days, a problem made worse by 8 hours of walking a day.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:16, Reply)
too quick on the zip
quick piss, zipped too quick, intense pain and suffering.

Nothing like "Theres something about Mary" though
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:13, Reply)
bitten on the end by a gecko.
he lives in my room.
wouldn't stop bleeding.
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:12, Reply)
When I was nine, we had a little schoolboy (And
girl) pile up randomly on the playground (Not a
clue why). I managed to get out heroicly and
walk away, to be followed by some fat ginger
girl, who then punched me in the bollocks.

(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:12, Reply)
...muscle heat treatment if you're not aware.

Pulled muscle in your thigh? Use Ralgex. Then let your thigh rub against your nut-sack.


Edit: Third any good?
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:10, Reply)
Stumbled on holiday
And fell onto a catcus, my bollock bag became my very own pin cushion.

I'm the second poster, yay!
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:09, Reply)
Nuff said

Also Confucious say man who walk through airport door sideways
going to Bangkok
(, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 22:03, Reply)

This question is now closed.

Pages: Latest, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ... 4, 3, 2, 1