Plums
A couple of years ago I took delivery of a brand new all singing, all dancing mountain bike (a Specialized Enduro for those in the know) and decided to take it to North Yorikshire for it's inaugural run.

All went well, beasting up climbs and hammering downhill like a man posessed so I was full of bravado when I was descending down a very steep and very wet incline.

Fuck. There was a huge pile of sharp, jagged rocks the size of baby heads in front so I did the only thing I could under the circumstances and pulled the handlebars up and attempted to jump the six feet or so of rock garden.

The good news was that I made it, by a whisker. The bad news was that my rear wheel began to slide and the bike snapped sideways as I tried to hang on and steer into the slide. Both me and bike pancaked over, as both front and rear wheels made contact with rocks causing the bike to stop abruptly, the suspension saving it from too much damage.

I however, had 180lb of inertia and impacted the top of the frame, testicles first at about 20mph. I blacked out for a while, but when I came to I couldn't move without excruciating pain. Everything above the knee and below the waist was this angry purple/blue bruise (but thankfully no bones were broken) and I spent the remainder of the weekend with a large bag of frozen peas on my bollocks and taking ibuprofen to numb the ache of my pods.

The very next weekend I did best man duty at a wedding, barely able to walk. The bridesmaids were safe from me that day.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 14 Jul 2006, 13:56, Reply)