Red red hole
Apparently (i found out later) I had a yeast infection around my asshole (clearly the years of baguette anal abuse were a mistake) but it made me itch like buggery. So I did what you do - I scratched. Which made it itch more and, after a week or so, the skin had all been rubbed off.

Adding germoline (why I don't know, perhaps the promise of possible local anaesthetic action) only seemed to make it worse so after 5 hours of Saturday night moaning, kneeling on the kitchen floor with spread open bum-cheeks letting air get to it (some minor relief) with most of my weight being supported by my lino-flattened face cheeks while my hands did the spreading led to my then partner (now semi-famous politician) calling the hospital and telling them I had a skin irritation.

Interestingly those words seem to be the password to almost immediate attention in the NHS: I was told to come in immediately and escorted through the waiting hordes sitting nursing knife-cuts to thumbs and mothers berating urchins with saucepans stuck on their heads and placed with VIP care onto a gurny. "Skin complaint" seemed also to bring the added bonus of the immediate attention of a consultant to my plight too.

On looking at my red and sore hole (more kneeling and spreading), the consultant was none too impressed with the seriousness of my complaint and made it plain as she said: "hardly life-threatening is it" while she reached over and opened an alcohol-wipe with a look of punishment in her eyes.

My life flashed before my eyes as non-polar solvent met raw arse meat. I think it took them a minute to pull me down from the ceiling where I was clutching onto the lightfitting calling for my mummy.

I was sent home looking like someone with an adult-baby fetish - a big nappy with pain-killer cream on it. RESULT tho'.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 17 Jul 2006, 13:38, Reply)