misteroz (with added handlebars)
misteroz... "fooling round with my cousin a few month previously" - c'mon, you missed half the story there!

I seem to be one of the few that didn't manage to suffer any lasting damage from good old Raleigh Chopper gear changer and bollock liaisons. However...

On upgrading to a full sized frame "big boys" mountain bike which everyone hoped that I'd grow into at some point, I took great delight in trying to perform some of the kerb hop (etc) antics that my BMX had been only too willing to accommodate. One fateful night, I rode up onto the pavement and the front wheel just disappeared from under me, skidding nicely into a lamp post. The large, and incredibly solid piece of metal that the handlebars are bolted into that sits in the middle near the frame - very handily around testicles placement and height for a 12 year old who has just hit 250kg of non-moving lamp post - connected. There was no 15 second grace period that you get when you slice off half a finger or break a bone. Oh no, I couldn't physically move for a good few minutes. When I did manage to finally get up, what had I skidded on? A banana skin. A FUCKING BANANA SKIN. I thought that only happened in cartoons?!! I limp home, past several neighbours who asked if I was ok (I was unable to answer them - one assumed I had been hit by a car), I managed to find my mother and then couldn't actually talk to tell her what had happened so managed by some pointing and gestures. Closer internal inspection (maternal, I hadn't dared look) proved that I had a willy that ranged from the dark red, through maroon and black parts of the spectrum. Thank god this was many years before digital cameras came to hand so easily else I'd have the pictures to prove it.

I was placed in bed, absolutely white and still unable to talk.

I'd love to say the story ended there - but as any of my fellow posters who have experienced a similar fate will know, it doesn't. An hour or so later, the pint or so of coke I'd drank earlier wanted to make an appearance with a vengeance. Having taken five minutes to limp to the toilet, I found my voice had returned along with a substantial amount of tears as Mr Wee Wee coming out of Mr Japper felt like an industrial soldering iron going in. I have never felt pain like it and hope to never again.

I was most disappointed that the "new" Raleigh Chopper has a pathetically safe handlebar gear changer - it removes the danger and fun element of the damn thing!

And on another note, how come everyone else's g/f on here seems to be happy to have a spot of the old bum love? It's not fair... :-)
( dan j the filthy bastard, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:26, Reply)