Never in the history of everything
has the phrase "not me, but a mate" been said with more relief.

Kids are always hurting themselves. Bones snap, skin is flayed off on sharp things, eyes come perilously close to being put out, and yet, years later, we remember so few of these brushes wit death or how they happened. Only the very worst ones, the ones that leave scars, or possibly bits not working any more, tend to stick around to become tales to tell the grandkids.

So, when one of these memories is not your own but someone elses, you know it must have been a bad one. My eyes still water and my legs still feel all wonky when I think of this.

Thankfully, for my own mental health, I wasn't there. The tale was told to me later on by my friend who had witnessed the sad event. For it was he and another mate of mine who had happily been playing at commandos or some such nonsense on summer day, when they decided to make an assault course. One of the obstacles involved climbing onto the shed, leaping and catching onto a branch and swinging over the fence to the park beyond. My friend did this and all went well. Then came the turn of my other mate. He ran along and made the leap for the branch.

It's probably a good time to mention that the fence was one of those horrible council affairs, you know the ones, like a row of thin stakes held together by wire. A nice long row of sharpened stakes with the innocent young goolies of my mate swinging by a few feet overhead.

Well, of course the branch snapped. You knew that was coming. My mate didn't, but just as he was discovering the branch was unsuitable to support his weight, he found he had many much greater problems, the most pressing of which was a sharp wooden pike being driven right up his biffin's bridge. At the time, it was described to me in the most gentle of terms as having "went right up his arse", but I later found it was much worse. It had missed his barking spider and nadger sack, and planted itself firmly twixt the two. My friend said he first "lifted himself off" the fence (a phrase which still makes me think I might pass out) and then proclaimed "I NEED TO GO HOME!" and proceeded to mince along the road to his house. My friend, understandably concerned with just having seen him being buggered by a garden fence, accompanied him, but decided it was best to beat a swift retreat when he got home, as our mate whipped his old man out and proceeded to shout for his mum as he was pissing blood everywhere.

Several days in hospital and presumably a fair amount of worry followed, but he made a full recovery, thankfully. It is to his credit that after he got home, he couldn't wait to tell us that a gorgeous nurse had toouched his knob, but he was gutted because it they had numbed it at the time.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 2:02, 2 replies)

points awarded for 'goolies'.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 7:41, closed)

hilarious
First thing to make me laugh this week!
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Tue 12 Mar 2013, 14:10, closed)