I nearly killed my best friend
After a heavy night out on the town, the only solution to fixing cat-litter throats and alcohol-dazed minds was hair of the dog and stodgy food, so D and I trudged to the local Wetherspoon's.

It was a grey day, neither of us had pulled the night before, and so conversation was sparse on the way there. Scanning the menu, I saw a new addition which was truly too horrific to conceive: the "Gourmet Burger" - a burger with blue cheese sauce, bacon and 6 onion rings. 6 ONION RINGS IN THE BURGER, FFS. It sounded so disgusting I had to see it to believe it. So, naturally, I ordered it, with a pint of lager to wash away the pain. D had made the slightly more sensible choice of Chicken Burger.

After an extended period of non-conversation and floor staring, it arrived. Jesus. It looked fucking awful in the menu, but on the plate... it looked like Elvis' final bowel movement.

I started to eat - it tasted exactly as it looked, except that the meat in the burger turned out to be little more than an over-inflated grease balloon. I bit into it, and instantly my chin, cheeks, even my eyebrows, were saturated by a searing hot jet of oil.

Apparently, the sight of me doing this was the funniest thing D had seen that weekend. He proceeded to piss himself laughing, with a mouthful of reformed chicken eyelids and arseholes. I was unhappy.

Struggling to stay on his seat, D, now in hysterics, managed (in a near soprano voice) to ask the very nearly fatal question. "Nice, is it?"

Trying to wipe the slick of my face with a napkin, and stuggling to get control of my gag reflex, I replied, "It's a bit greasy on the whole".

D actually fell off his seat, and turned an an alarmingly dark red colour, laughing so hard that he started to choke. I had to smack him hard on the back and he spat a semi-masticated blob across the pub. Wheezing, breathless and now sweating, it took D a couple of minutes before he could speak again.

The first words out of the mouth of a near-30-year-old father of one who'd probably just had his nearest near death experience of his life?

"You said, 'it's a bit greasy on the hole'."

Length? It flew through the air a good two metres and landed on a pensioner's shoe.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 0:05, Reply)