i have only met people from here and the occasional internet date from the internet
every b3tan i have met (ok, just 1 exception, there's always 1) has been lovely and not at all crazy. but the dating... oh god, the dating...

first up, i was 18 and the shiny new internet had this thing called "chat rooms". i had never come across anything like it before, but as an english student with lectures making up a grand total of 4 hours a week, i had plenty of time to play around. "met" a guy who lived near my parents up in cheshire. the online chat was great, the telephone chat was fun, we agreed to meet. long story short, he got cunted, vomited all over the inside of my car, and cried about being a virgin before admitting he had lied about where he lived because he thought i was posher than he was.

roll forwards 2 years and i haven't learned my lesson, i'm back in the chatroom one day and "meet" another guy. this one also lives in london. it was all going so well until he rang on the day we were meeting, got my flatmate, confessed in a rush that he had no idea what to wear and had chosen his ugliest mate for her so that i wouldn't fancy his mate instead. this would have been quite sweet except that (i) all that angst about what to wear and he chose a leather waistcoat? and (ii) his mate was plug ugly. unfortunately he was ten times more so. although the worst bit was that they didn't fancy us.

left the internet alone for a long, long time after that. the next time i tried it was years later. i could tell tales of cuntish pikeyness and shit sex, but as the /qotw asks for "crazy", only one of them really stands out. chris. chris seemed like such a nice guy, if a little alarmingly tall and a little shy. until he lunged across the table at me after the first coffee with fire in his eyes, clasped my hands to his chest, and said urgently:

"so have you found God?"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 16:35, 14 replies)

are you trying to pretend here that you haven't had each and every neck-bearded shut-in off of the internet up your fanny?
cry hooker, and let slip the dogs of whore!!
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 17:16, closed)

well no, of course not
some of them rejected me.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 19:22, closed)

Well? Have you?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 17:25, closed)

Haha they didn't fancy you

( Kroney, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 17:47, closed)

I never realised you were quite so physically repulsive.
I mean ... I pretty much took it for granted ... but really. Fuck. You must ming mightier than a dog eating its own stools.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 17:56, closed)

a bit more than that
more like you cramming a dog's stools into your own arse really
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 19:24, closed)

That "own" is redundant and you really ought to have a comma before "really".
You'd think somebody with such obvious physical disadvantages would try a little harder.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 19:38, closed)

There might have been another word yet to come
Like "quickly" or "delightedly"

I don't think grammar will overcome my flaws. Maybe blindness.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 20:28, closed)

Well at least you found 3 people online that wanted to date a fat northern tart.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 20:18, closed)

One of them was your wife

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 20:28, closed)

Which one?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 27 Nov 2012, 20:46, closed)

Finding God..
The old chestnut about finding him behind the settee springs to mind.
(wuckfit Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori., Wed 28 Nov 2012, 1:56, closed)

I would have gone with
"So that was the crunchy bit under the lettuce."
( .Yeti., Wed 28 Nov 2012, 10:00, closed)

i went with "byeeeee"

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 28 Nov 2012, 10:06, closed)