A pea! A pea! My seamhorse for a pea!
Dear parents everywhere,

Your kids are interesting to no one except you and your parents. Not even your brothers and sisters are that bothered by them.

Your kids are not special (unless they're special), they're not gifted, unique, or all those glorious things you hope they'll shine at. They might well have a reading age of 11 at the age of 6. It's really not that much of an achievement.

Every step they take is, like for the rest of us, just one more closer to the final curtain.

The legal age for kids to be in pubs is 14. Yes I know a lot of places say kids welcome. I know a lot of places where you're welcome to take crack, but I don't. Please don't bring them in. They are loud and hideously annoying to everyone else who is there - including other parents - and yes you will get hostile glances and comments, so don't be surprised.

Also - if when you've ignored the above and your miracle runs into my knee as I enter the garden, causing me to spill the three pints I'm carrying all over it, and annoy me even further, then please don't act surprised when I refuse to care that your spawn is wet, and yes that I insist you replace the beer spilt. You and your spawn are very, very annoying, and your spawn shouldn't even be here in the first place. Face up to it and your responsibility - your life is on hold now, mine is not.

Sincerely,

A V
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 15:42, 3 replies)

Ummmm
Think you're a bit out of date with the legal age thing. Anyone under sixteen is allowed in a pub if they're accompanied by an adult, unless the licensee states otherwise.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 16:25, closed)

Shooting Blanks Vaggy?

(W3BOPLASTY, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 8:39, closed)

Ah, the lament of the bitter and childless.
Not to worry. In another 10 years, the pub will be boarded up, and da yoof will be mugging you. At knife point.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 9:41, closed)