Thameslink turds
Had the worst sh*ts I've ever had one day after a dodgy chicken and mint yoghurt sarnie.

As a rule, I can't bear to be in the same carriage as a train toilet, let alone use one, but this time I just had no option short of filling my boxers with thin black gruel. Cue a knock on the door 2 mins after I'd boarded.

"Tickets please"

"Do you mind? I'm a bit preoccupied"

"Tickets please - I'll need to see a ticket"

"What? You want to come in?"

"I'll need to see a ticket"

All of this punctuated with gravy bubbles and the occasional backfire. So, I reach over to my bag to get my travelcard out, and push it meekly under the door.

"Can you come out please?"

"You're really going to have to wait"

So, now with the added inconvenience of an audience, I spend the next 25 mins curling a painful pile of the most noxious filth that's ever left my body.

Having washed my hands extra, extra carefully, I leave the cubicle to be handed my travelcard back by this blank, expressionless grey old man. The f*cker had waited nearly half an hour listening to me sh*t fire for the sake of verifying that I was indeed the person pictured on my photocard.

Length entirely appropriate, under the circumstances.
(dandelionburdock, Fri 13 May 2005, 3:38, Reply)