My form tutor
The most anally retentive bitch I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with. She realy looked the part of an uptight teacher as well - huge glasses, blouses buttoned up to the neck - as if she'd never had an orgasm.

I had her for R.E. in Years 8 and 9, when she had this complete obsession with paragraphs - all the reports I got from her banged on about how I needed to "work on paragraphing skills" so of course I wrote all my essays in one paragraph just to piss her off. Come parents' evening she had contracted apoplexy as a result of this. I was her last appointment of the evening, when she banged on about the importance of paragraphs for a good 20 minutes. All the other teachers had gone home already and the caretakers were desperate to get home too, so they started sweeping up around us in the hopes that she would get the message. Then they turned the lights out. Then they stood right in front of her tapping their feet and glancing at their watches. Mrs Paragraph continued unabated whilst my parents and I stifled giggles - this pissed her off even more!

The best story about her was from Year 11 though. Mrs Paragraph was the head of health education but was uncharacteristically disorganised about it, making members of her form do lowly admin tasks for her. Cow. Anyway, one lunchtime she cornered me and gave me an important task - sorting a load of jumbled up STD leaflets into piles. I'd been working on this for a while, when she came up to me and uttered the immortal line, "I've got herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphillis. What have you got?" I couldn't help laughing like a maniac at this and said, "I haven't got anything, thankyou very much!" thinking that of course, she couldn't fail to see the funny side of it. Wrong! After being stared at inomprehensibly for several seconds it dawned on me that her sense of humour must have been surgically removed along with her personality.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 13 May 2005, 19:52, Reply)