Tried to pay in a cheque once
I use my middle name - nobody's called me by my first name for years. I've had loads of cheques in this name and never has there ever been a problem with it. Apart from one notable incident...

It was extraordinarily busy that afternoon, so I joined the back of the queue like the good English girl that I am, and waited. And waited. A spectacularly smelly old man joined the queue behind me, stood just that little bit too close and emitted bizarre grunting noises at regular intervals. I waited some more.

Twenty minutes later and the terminally cheerful phrase, "Please go to cashier three" signalled my escape route from Smelly Old Man. I scuttled up to the counter and found myself face to face with a bony woman in her mid-thirties with peroxide hair, who will henceforth be referred to as "HSBC Bitch." The conversation went thus:


HSBC Bitch: Good afternoon, how may I help you?

Me: I'd just like to pay this cheque in, please. (deposits paying in book on counter)

HSBC Bitch: (Grimaces at cheque) It's in a different name. (Fixes me with saccharine smile)

Me: Yeah, that's my middle name.

HSBC Bitch: (Still smiling) This account belongs to a Miss L Ginsberg. This
cheque is made out to a Samara Ginsberg.

Me: Yes, I know, Samara's my middle name. I've had loads of cheques in this
name before and there's never been a problem...

HSBC Bitch: Well, the other cashiers can't have been doing their jobs
properly. How do I know that's your name?

Me: Well, you must have my full name on file, because there has never, ever
been a problem with this.

HSBC Bitch: Well, I can't find it on my computer. I can't process this
transaction. It hasn't even got your name on.

Me: It must be there somewhere. Frankly I don't see the problem. I've been
queuing for half an hour in the olfactorally repugant company of Wurzel
Gummidge and I'm not leaving until you process this cheque.

HSBC Bitch: I can't let you pay that in. How do I know it's made out to you?

Me: Look, I'm PRE MENSTRUAL!

HSBC Bitch: Security!


And so, I was escorted from the bank.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Sun 15 May 2005, 20:04, Reply)