Pigeon Torture
One day I was driving home early from work, and I get a phone call. It was my wife.

She was absolutely distraught and was sobbing down the phone at me, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying. I pulled over and thought "Oh shit, who's dead?" Tried to get her to calm down, and finally after about 5 minutes she began to tell me, through racking sobs what had happened.

Turns out the cat hat brought in a big pigeon through the cat flap. Problem was, that the cat hadn't done enough to slot the bastard and it was screeching and honking it's head off and half flapping around the room. My missus, obviously concerned about the pigeon's welfare elected to put the flapping blood soaked wobble headed twat out of it's misery.

My missus, however, had never had to do such a thing, and she didn't know the best way to do it. Luckily, something in her head told her to put on a pair of rubber gloves, pick the bluntest knife out of the drawer, and attempt to saw it's head off.

She chased the cat away, managed to grab the pigeon, and proceeded to go at it like 'Handy Andy' with a bit of MDF and a handsaw.

Once the blunt knife met with the winged rat's head, the bloody thing went mental as if to say "What the FUCK are you doing woman?!" and made my missus recoil for long enough for the pigeon to think "Fuck this off, HELP! Somebody!!" So there is my missus chasing a fucked pigeon round the kitchen trying to pin it down and cut it's squarking head off, all the while feathers are flying everywhere, as if Starsky and Hutch, Smokey and the Bandit, and the A-Team had just driven through stacked boxes of chickens during a rally.

Eventually she got it down and did the deed after a long struggle, and a long drawn out session of decapitation, the pigeon finally brown bread and lifeless on the kitchen floor. She then took it outside, crying, and lobbed it into the field behind.

She then spent the next hour cleaning the blood and feather murder scene in the kitchen whilst sobbing her heart out.

The cat looked on, emotionless, eyeing up the tin of Kit-E-Kat on the sideboard.

While she was telling me all this, I was doing that thing where you laugh silently on the other end of the phone, tears rolling down my face, and trying to keep it together to make the occasional "mmm" noise and tutting. After I told her she should have just picked it up and twatted it's head hard against the wall, she really started wailing and asked "Do you think I made it suffer?"

I burst out laughing, and when I got home, a cold shoulder was forthcoming, and there was no sex to be had.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Fri 23 Dec 2011, 8:17, 6 replies)

Fuckin hilarious man, cheers.
(tyrellsOwl, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 9:26, closed)

i dun a lol.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 10:37, closed)

Yeah, me too
good story
(Victor Mildew going apeshit again, (aka, nightprowleroftheweb), Sat 24 Dec 2011, 23:51, closed)

Fucking hell
That's the third one of these so far that's had me creased up with laughter. That can't be a good sign.

Have a click.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 16:54, closed)

MORE OF THIS SORT OF THING.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 18:27, closed)