Prescient Pied Piper pisses off particularly pulchritudinous person
It seems far, far too long ago that I worked with a fair and comely maiden and an assortment of shambling apemen who delighted in terrifying this poor lass at every opportunity.
She was a real cutie and in the summers liked to wear the sort of shorts that would have had Daisy Duke returning them as too tight and undersized. Not that anyone complained, it was a pleasant distraction to catch her bending to pick something up and she brightened many a dull day with her wiggle and saucy grin. All harmless fun and mild flirting which spiced up working life. In another age we'd have probably guzzled some cider and had a good old fumble in the haycart but it was the 1980s and she was probably saving herself for George Michael.

It was noted by one Derek, who bore more than a passing resemblance to a stubbly Anne Widdecome (perhaps that should be a MORE stubbly Anne Widecome?), that it was the time of year that rats were oft to be seen frequenting the inside of our pig barns and that a plague of them was surely to fall upon us any day soon.
Now this, you must understand, is the sort of wisdom accompanied by a knowing wink and usually imparted by curiously assembled yokels, or ludicrous old wives's tales to the rest of us, and therefore to be immediately scoffed at.
"Oh fuck off Derek, you twat, there's not really plagues of rats, just a few extra now and then" we yelled at him; "we" being the lovely gal and myself. The other closely related oafs agreed with Derek of course.
Nothing more was said and the matter forgotten until about a week later when the office door burst open and a weeping, shaking girl declared "RATS! thousands of rats!"
Taking this opportunity to stifle a small condescending chuckle I consoled her with words of bravado and marched off to take a look at the 3 or 4 rats I expect to encounter.
Wrenching the sliding door aside I stepped in and immediately 2 steps back as hundreds of beady eyes stared back from everywhere; and I do mean everywhere. On the beams above my head rats were tripping over each other there were so many, the floor was alive with them, they crawled and scurried in the pig pens, over the pig themselves, up the walls and in the feed bags. It wasn't nice at all and to be honest I had to stifle a scream myself, there were simply TOO MANY and as I backed slowly away there was a noise behind me.
At this point the young lady had returned to this horror movie scene armed with a fairly useless looking garden fork and followed closely behind wearing his big smug gurning grin, Derek.
And then Derek did something that surprised us again. He pushed her inside, switched off the lights from the outside and held the door shut. The scratches on that door were not caused by the farm dog accidentally locked in again, but my myself and this poor young woman as we tried to batter it down.
Once it was open the chase was on and Derek ran, shuffling, giggling and stumbling through the yard with the avenging fork of death close behind.

I'd like to say I returned to wreak bloody death on the horde with a blunt instument but in truth the only thing that died on that day was my dreams of getting up close and personal with her in any dark space after that. She'd heard me scream like a girl and was now terrified of rodent infested shadowy buildings herself.

You bastard Derek, I wish she'd turned you into a colander.

/edit/ Oh, and the rats? They moved on. 2 days later there wasn't one to be seen. I don't know where or why but I was very glad.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 18:19, 6 replies)

it doesn't add up
Hoards of rats, in Alberta, which doesn't have rats, and they migrate, which rats don't do.
Yeah right.
I do however believe you can scream like a girl.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 29 Dec 2011, 0:33, closed)

This was in the UK
I'm a Brit abroad innit. And the rats DO DO THAT. It's horrible. I did scream like a girl though, no denying that.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 29 Dec 2011, 1:57, closed)

It has to be said.
Still would've.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 29 Dec 2011, 2:33, closed)

So would I
but the magic was gone, if there ever was any beyond my hopeful expectation.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 29 Dec 2011, 13:22, closed)

Possibly the best story so far..
but no death!


Unless it was the death of your dignity you are mourning?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 29 Dec 2011, 9:33, closed)

Coming from a talent such as yourself
that's quite a compliment. Thanks!

Yes, dignity is hard won and a slippery beast to hang on to.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 29 Dec 2011, 13:20, closed)