man with a handbag
a girl i was at school with was very butch. i mean, seriously butch. she looked like Biffa Bacon's mum. you wouldn't want to mess with her, though, she was hard as fucking nails.
now, before you all start thinking she bullied me, she didn't. don't get me wrong, we absolutely loathed each other, it just never really got beyond a bit of verbal mudslinging.
the last week of school, she obviously decided that she wanted to get me good and proper while she still had the chance.
so, she pushed me in front of a moving bus.
yes, it was only doing about 5 m.p.h at the time, yes, i was more shocked than hurt, but SHE PUSHED ME IN FRONT OF A FUCKING BUS! now, i've seen what a person in a rage can do and i really didn't want to do that, so i simply told the headmaster the next day. as i was uninjured and she had friends who were willing to say i'd tripped(my friends were shit scare of her and wouldn't back me up), nothing was done. i chalked it up to experience and forgot about it.
ten years later, i ran into her in a local nightclub. she was drunk and aggressive and, upon seeing me, came over to gloat about the time she'd nearly killed me(her words, not mine). i told her i didn't want to talk to her and asked to take her trouser-suited self away from me. gobby as ever, she started yelling in my face, posturing and threatening.
at that point, one of the bouncers, who i knew, came over to see what was going on. "hey, Smash," he says to me, "is this man bothering you?"
the look on her face was utterly priceless. i know it's a bit petty, but seeing her mates sniggering at her for being mistaken for a bloke was enough for me.

weirdly, we ran into each other in the same pub five years later. we talked, we laughed, she even bought me a drink.
as the hatchet is now buried, i think we can share the last laugh at our younger, pettier, more stupid selves.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 23:29, 4 replies)

I read the last bit
"younger, prettier, more stupid elves"

and thought what the bloody hell have elves got to with it?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 8:46, closed)

everything
if it's Legolas
*drools*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 15:43, closed)

I noticed he/she brought you the drink
What a gentleman ;)
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 10:50, closed)

heheheh

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 15:44, closed)