Dear M Bison
Granted it may be a bit strange writing to a character on a computer game, but I have a proposition for you which you may find interesting...

Back in 1994, a man came up to me and offered me £5 to ride around his garden on a child’s tricycle whilst shouting ‘KLEB!’

Being hard up for figs I took him up on his offer and met him at his home and did the deed. He was most grateful, and I took from his sweaty palm a crumpled £5 note and a small black silk bag of magic beans.

“Plant these” He said “They will grow into a magnificent beanstalk and you will be able to hang out with giants and have yourself a merry little Christmas.”

I took them Mike, by god I took them, and I planted them. Unfortunately I lived in a flat at the time, and planting them in the window box on the balcony wasn’t one of my best moves, and the beanstalk toppled over and crushed another block of flats, killing 87 people.

I was sent to a young offender’s institution for my misdeeds for a long time, and during my time there got to play Street Fighter 2 Turbo on the Super Nintendo for about 17 hours a day. I only ever stopped playing the game to eat, shit, and play buckaroo with Jenson Button, who was doing a 5 year bit for skirting board sanding without a permit.

Playing street fighter 2 Turbo constantly for that length of time does strange things to a young man. It also makes him pretty fucking good at street fighter 2 turbo.

As you can imaging, before long natural biological urges kicked in, and I must confess that I started to fantasise about Chun-Li. Imagining those 16 bit thighs wrapped around my face whilst I lapped upon her blocky, pixelated mimsy used to send me over the edge.
But of course, she was the only female in the game. She became boring. I found myself thinking about noshing off Ryu whilst Ken watched. Then it got out of hand...

Before long I was fwapping off to the thought of having a foursome with Dhalsim, Blanka, and Zangief. Blanka was shocking my scrotum whilst I stuffed my fist into Dhalzim’s boney rectum and Zangief looked on juggling spoons. It was getting out of hand. I remember at one point I spaffed in Jenson’s eye by mistake and he Hollywood legdropped me in the cell.

I knew I was going mad, and that the only thing that would save me would be to stop playing the game. I did this by becoming a heroin addict, and sure enough, the urge to fuck the cast of Street Fighter 2 Turbo abated. I was released from prison in 2002.

The reason I write, is that unfortunately, I have now kicked my heroin addiction, but I am so depressed I have decided to kill myself. I want to go out with a bang, so I wish to act upon those old urges and finally fuck the cast of Street Fighter 2 Turbo. However, I’m not interested in the usual suspects anymore. I want you. And Vega, and Balrog, and Sagat, In the same room, going at my bellend like a dog eating hot chips.

There is a bottle of whiskey in it for you, and a Blankety Blank chequebook and pen.

Let me know,

Regards
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Thu 4 Mar 2010, 17:19, 5 replies)

This needs to win
Now.
(Cylon Bum Raider already knows how this will end, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 17:30, closed)

"going at my bellend like a dog eating hot chips."
WIN
(McChinaman banned, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 17:54, closed)

Good to hear it's the 'bosses' you want most
I'm the same. But my urges are much dirtier. I need the guys from Fatal Fury :(
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 18:00, closed)

Myself
I'm a Soul Calibur man, and nothing does it for me like Voldo.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 6 Mar 2010, 23:04, closed)

you Sir
are seriously disturbed! Fantastic! *click*
(bottle_cap, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 20:21, closed)