Dear Neighbour
Hello, how do you do? I'm the guy next door. We've met before, albeit briefly, and I feel we may have got off on the wrong foot slightly.

So I'd firstly like to apologise for that Friday night a few weeks ago. Yes, we did end up making a lot of noise, and I'm very sorry; we didn't realise it had got quite that late. We'd been out in town for a friend's birthday, then we'd come back to our place and a load of us eventually fell asleep in a failed attempt to watch The Big Lebowski. I apologise that the TV was so loud; it was only at about a quarter to four that I regained consciousness and decided I should probably switch it off.

I'm also worried that you have to put up with guitar playing most evenings. I don't know to what extent the sound travels through the walls, but if it is a nuisance then I'm sorry for that too. I do try to keep myself in the room which I know has the best soundproofing, and our landlady has reassured us that you probably would have said something if it was disturbing you.

Assuming you accept this apology, I'd like to get down to business. It's your child, you see. I'm sure he's a lovely little lad but he's got quite a big mouth on him, hasn't he? I know this because my bedroom appears to be right next to his, and believe me, every time he has a tantrum, I can hear it. Seriously, the first time I heard it I wondered whether you were raping him.

And he does like to have a tantrum, doesn't he? I think it's a fairly regular occurence, and whilst I appreciate that I'm not in every evening, and not recording thorough observations, he does seem to kick up a phenomenal racket at sporadic intervals between 9 and 11pm. Sometimes, if I'm working from home, or just during the weekend, I can hear him kicking off at other hours as well. I've certainly not forgotten the time he decided all was not well with the world at 5am. He's certainly an effective substitute for an alarm clock, but could he not have waited a couple of hours?

I feel we can come to an arrangement with regards to this little issue. It has not escaped my attention that your wife is quite a slender, pretty thing of Asian extraction - you know, our landlady suspects the two of you might have met through some sort of mail order scheme, which, given your appearance, strange mannerisms and the fact that you share the house with your mother, wouldn't surprise me in the least.

But I'm deviating here. I propose forthwith that, every time your irritable little sprog starts yelling his lungs out for the whole street to hear, I shall wander over to your place, bend your missus over the kitchen table and have my way with her.

There's no need to worry, I've worked out which part of your house is the kitchen.

With best regards,
Mr S Crow
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 13:49, 6 replies)

seems like a fair deal
he makes the kid squeal, and you do the same to his wife
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:29, closed)

It's the only way he'll learn.

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:30, closed)

who?
him or the kid?
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:32, closed)

As long as I get my end away and the kid shuts up, I don't really care

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:33, closed)

so
if you got your end away with the kid and he shut up, is that a double bonus?
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 15:37, closed)

Gets my clicky finger working, this does
Great read. Good job. Well done etc etc etc.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 14:30, closed)