Craigy 'Coonta' Somerville
Oh yes, yes indeed, Craigy 'Coonta' Somerville was a special guy and no mistake. Born after a Philipino sailor had rogered his mum, who was a thin white Scottish lady. The sailor sailed off and a kindly local guy took her and him under his wing. The guy commissions a rather lovely detached replete with house wide balconies and stunning views, and then before it was built, they all disappear off to America. How much of the America thing is true, is anybodies idea, but they did go away somewhere.

Fast forward 8 years or so and Craigy suddenly re-appears. No-one really knew him before he left or could hardly remember who he was. he had siblings who were all completely white, while craigy had this non too unpleasant olive brown complexion. Very quickly he was nicknamed Coonta, he didnt seem to mind this at al, but his parents would take offence. Sometimes Coonta would be expanded to Coon-tash, or Lambourghini depending on the mood it took us.

Dont get me wrong he was never ridiculed for his skin colour or beaten up or anything other than the nickname, which after a while just seemed completely normal. The thing was he lied like a cunt, for whatever reason, for no reason even. Even in face of being completely rumbled he still bravely carried on. These included...

*His dad had a yacht on Loch Lomond, but it got burnt out, yesterday.

*He had 2 quad bikes in his cellar but his dad had the key and wouldn't be back for ages.

*His dad could tell if a bottle of vodka had been watered down just by looking at it

*He was getting a £10k denon hi fi delivered and could i come down and help him set it up. Went down, nothing..not even an explanation

*His mum and dad went out to work every morning at 7am not to come back till 5. He didn't go to school for 4 years. This is true as we would all skidge at his house. He even answered the door to a truant officed and pretended to be his own brother and that 'Craig' had gone to live in England (true, i was there)

*Pretended his mum and dad were going to Bristol to a wedding and we could go down there and take shrooms. Arrived with shrooms to be greeted by his mum, in her fucking dressing gown, going nowhere.

*On leaving my house one time i gave him my rented copy of T2 and asked him to hand it back as he was passing the video shop. 2 weeks later i get a demand for £20 as viddy was not returned. i call him and tell him to take the fucking thing back, he says he's on it and he just forgot. 2 weeks later i get another letter, still not been taken back. Phoned him again, getting very angry. He takes it back, there and then. Twat.

*A pocket rips on his leather jacket on the thursday, on friday he appears with a 'brand new' leather jacket. We check it over and ask him if he has seen the sewn up pocket, just like the rip from yesterday, and all the worn in marks that were the day before etc. He lies and lies and lies, unable to admit it. In fact probably believing it himself.

*A ring his mum just got for him cost £1500, apart from the fact the receipt for £60 was on the table in front of us. Ah, but that was for a different ring. Of course....

Honest to god, my mind is a bit hazy, but he was relentless, to the point you could not believe ANYTHING he said. Very unfortunate character, but likeable, a weird combination.

Another twat i had a run in with ran this Aphex twin fan site and on his forum he claimed that RDJ had called him up, but on receipt of the call he 'rumbled' it as a hoax. I commented that he must have been 'wanking like fuck' when he got the call at first, friendly like. He then goes total apeshit at me, claiming i was taking the piss and all that and that the whole incident really done his head in. This is all taking place on a chat board with dozens of other folks. The argument blunders on for a while, then he admits there was NO call at all, not even a fake one!!! What the fuck was he on, to get annoyed at something that didn't even happen. What a turkey.


All liars are cunts.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Sat 1 Dec 2007, 18:12, 1 reply)