Nutters in Nottingham
Nottingham has more than it's fair share of nutters.

I had encounters with a few of them while I was working at Argos (broadmarsh centre) while I was a student.
There was this one guy, in his late 50's or early 60's, hard to tell when they look like a tramp. He would come in and ask for a refund on the batteries for his £12.99 Alba 'ghetto blaster'; on the grounds that he had been using it constantly for a week and the batteries had run out! He stank of shit.
Turns out, he used to stand in the street and play his music and try and entice very young children to dance with him..... Haven't seen him for ages, hopefully he's locked away, or even better dead.

The second I saw while at Argos (chav central) was a really tall guy, probably in his early 30's. He stank of piss and can always be seen pushing his bike around the inside of shops. He used to come in and ask some really daft questions, for example, 'will this single sheet fit on a double bed'? Sure he did it just to wind me up.
I once saw him on a TV show on the sadly missed cable channel 'Live TV'. The show toured shopping centres up and down the country, paying people tiny sums of money to act like a twat. In this one, the presenter tried to interview tall bike man, thus giving the viewer an insight into his insane ramblings before making him wiggle around on the floor like a worm.
Tall bike man decided to add his own sound effects and made the moaning sound of a worm crawling on the floor - presumably these are the worm noises only he can hear.. His fee for this brilliant insight... £2.50

Another classic one was this old guy who once came into the shop. Immediately you knew he was not all there. He asked me and my friend Eleanor if we wanted to see his drawing of the town fire station, which, apparently, he had been working on from 3am that morning. To humour him we made out we really wanted to see it. He pulled a roll of paper out of his bag, it was about 6 sheets of A3 taped together length ways with a really crap drawing on it. Looked nothing like the fire station, he had drawn a really long box, put a door on it and wrote 'Fire Stacion' above the door. Rubbish!!!
2 weeks later he came in and asked if I wanted to see his book of celebrity’s names, addresses and phone numbers. Intrigued, I agreed. I quickly lost interest when the first page simply read "The Queen, Buckingham Palace, London". Mad as deck chair.

Also if you are ever in West Bridgford, you may be lucky enough to see the 'Cowboy and the Goth'. The cowboy is the true entertainment of the couple. He's English, but believes he's American. He lives his life as an American, dresses like an american, eats like an american, starts wars like an american etc.. Anyway, one day a few years back, a mate of mine saw him in the street and decided to call him something rude, can't remember what. "GO GET GAS, YOU ENGLISH TWAT" came his witty reply, presumably referring to buying some petrol. Now, sure enough, if we happen to be out in one of our cars and we need to pop to a garage, this phrase make's a regular appearance.

Also, anyone else seen 'Eric the Viking'? He look's mental. Sure someone must have a story.




I would apologise for my length, but if you've read it this far then that you fault...
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:08, Reply)