Last November
the shite bag company who have just made me redundant put me in hospital. A large box fell off a shelf and hit me on the back of the neck and my shoulder, fuck me it hurt and as soon as I had filed the paper work, the Manager took me to hospital and dumped me there.

The first thing they did was fit me with a neck brace and the kindly Triage Nurse, tried not to laugh as I made disparaging comments. Twenty minutes later I was being seen by a junior Doctor when she pressed a small bulge on the nape of my neck. I squeaked and was promptly strapped to the bed with a suspected broken neck. By this stage I was close to freaked out and rather alarmed, a broken neck would put an end to my climbing and motorcycling for a while.

Anyway, I was rushed to X-Ray and the zapped me enough to make me glow in the dark (if organic material did actually glow) before sending me back to the A+E. I was left strapped to a bed in a cubical waiting for my results to be discussed with me. In the very next cubical was a tragic case and although I never met this man, I want to thank him for making my day.

Mr Tragic had fallen from his bicycle and hurt himself, this alone is not very funny, I have done this and been rushed in with internal bleeding. Bike crashes can be serious. However, said man was not mountain biking, he was not road racing, he was just "riding along" when he fell off.

He had some cuts and bruises, but none of these were why he had been rushed to hospital. The reason for his entry into the hospital became apparent rather quickly. His handle bar did not have caps in the end and in the fall the rough end had come into contact with a part of his body and cut a 7/8 inch hole into said body part.

I was still strapped to my bed, the junior Doctor came back they discussed my case with the rather loud Doctor who was training them. Neck bruised not broken, sprained and probably going to hurt for a long time. They then started to discuss Mr Tragic and the 7/8 inch hole through his scrotum...

I swear to you dear B3ta, I tried so hard to stifle that laugh, I truly did. I could feel the hate coming through the wall. My lovely wifey came to keep me company and we giggled like a couple of school girls.

Finally I was released from my confinement, I was unstrapped and let back up and boy oh boy, did I feel woozy. I was also hurting like a bitch that had had a heavy box dropped on her neck, so the kindly Junior Doctor went and got me a couple of painkillers. As she returned and advised me of care I would need to take, I placed the pain killers in my mouth and reached for the small cup of water she had brought with them.

At that point the loud Doctor exclaimed that he had no idea how to sort out a hole right through some ones scrotum, My painkillers got lodged in my nose, the water got spat on the Doctor and I utterly failed to suppress a laugh. All of the Doctors present gave me a long cold dirty look. I managed to swallow my pills and got the fuck out of there.

The Doctors who treated me were amazing, Dr Loud may have been very loud, but he argued the toss with a belligerent and tired X-Ray tech that I needed more X-Rays due to a line on my X-Ray that could have been a broken neck. However what truly warmed him to me was the Case of the Holy Scrotum, I swear that made me get better there and then.

As for Mr Tragic, who ever you were, I truly hope that your scrotum healed and you did not end up with a permanent hole right through the middle.

Sorry about the length, but it did have a hole in it!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 2:01, 1 reply)

clicky
Well written - made me smile (and cringe when the hole came into play).
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 3:53, closed)