In the land of the deaf, the no-necked man is king.
I was deaf, and now I can hear. That's an NHS story which never fails to excite me. But I can understand it might be a bit dull for everyone else, so let me jazz it up with impropriety and gore.
I was laid up in a specialist ENT hospital after having had one of my rubbish ears fixed. Following surgery, my ear had been packed with surgical cloth stuff, and I had bandages wrapped jauntily around my head, leaving me looking like a gay Mr Bump and hearing like Mr Eh What's That Can You Speak Up I've Got Soil In My Ears. Anyway. It was visiting time. I had recently split up with a ladyfriend, and had more recently (and secretly) hooked up with a mutual acquaintance of ours, who came along to cheer me up and bring me sweets. Between the sweets, company and temazepam, I was feeling pretty nice. Right up until a nurse came over to tell me my now-ex had turned up for a surprise visit. Everything got very 'Terry And June', very quickly.
There was only one exit to the ward. My current visitor quickly ran into the breakfast room, begging the other patients to hide her. I didn't see her again after that. I couldn't for the life of me work out what they'd done with her. She's quite small, so I thought they must have stashed her in a cupboard or something. For the rest of visiting time, I was a bit worried someone might say something to my ex - and maybe they did. It's hard to tell. See, most of my wardmates were in for tracheotomy-related ops – either having their original voiceboxes taken out or their new robot ones put in – and were wandering around with their gaping neckginas on display (GIS: 'X Files The Host' for examples). Nice guys, but couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying (literally bloody btw, those things bleed like PETA members' hearts on Whacking Day). There was much gurgly laughter for the rest of the evening, but it was impenetrable to my ears and I eventually fell asleep puzzled.
The next morning, I went for some breakfast. I was still weirdly expecting my friend to jump out from under the sink or be dead in he fridge, as I just couldn't fathom how she could have escaped.
'Awgurgle urugle arghargle' said the guy sitting opposite me at the table.
'Pardon?' said I.
'Ahahrargle hurghurgle ararhal' he said. Imagine how Cuddles the monkey would sound if Keith Harris stuffed his neck with a sock soaked in swarfega.
'Eh?' I said.
'AWAHRAGLE ARRAGHARGLE WORRAGHAL!'
Blood spattered his Rice Krispies as he raised his voice.
'Pardon what eh?'
'He says,' bellowed Doctor Evazan down my 'good' ear '"What are you looking for – have you got another bird stashed away somewhere?'"
This was followed by a chorus of Smash robots falling down a staircase made of Optimus Prime voice changers (ie laughter). A crimson haze descended on the formica as the assembled slaked their bloodmirth. Turns out my incomprehensible new friends had found a way out through the roof, which led to an outdoor fire escape, and freedom. After that, they decided to keep that a secret and wind me up about it, because why not? To this day it remains the most surreal, memorable and oddly heart-warming way I have been pwned in my whole life. And also the second bloodiest.
(electricteeth, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 17:17, 4 replies)

click
for 'slaked their bloodmirth'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 17:21, closed)

And a click
for "chorus of Smash robots"

Still giggling now!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Wed 17 Mar 2010, 17:33, closed)

click
"gay mr bump"
(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 10:04, closed)

Another click for Bloodmirth!
And for getting your hearing back.
(robbersdog, Thu 18 Mar 2010, 11:27, closed)