TCT – or ‘Thick Cunt Trevor’…

Now our friend Trevor is a great guy, although a bit ‘naïve’ to say the least. Suffice to say he has been the subject of a couple of our good natured wind-ups and japes over the years. We started small (with the whole ‘if you type ‘Google’ into Google bit)…but then we cranked it up a notch or two…

Here is just a selection of what he fell for:

We informed him that Immigrants were paying smugglers to fly them over the UK and chuck them out with parachutes and fake IDs. The ‘catch’ being that if they landed within the mainland, they had not physically ‘crossed our shores’ (airspace didn’t count, you see) so they could automatically be called UK citizens, and were thusly entitled to free private healthcare and a membership card to Blockbuster Video. For weeks we would snigger to ourselves as TCT, a chirpy and vicarious racist, pointed at anybody remotely foreign-looking and accused them of being a ‘Scrounging skydiving scumbag!’

Then there was the time a couple of us told him that we had all ‘seen the light’ and signed up for the Church of Scientology… We added that we were lucky to make it in time as they only had a couple of places left on L. Ron’s mothership. Hilarity ensued when he bolted straight to the nearest recruitment centre, signed over all of his belongings to the Thetan brotherhood and requested a window seat.

We once gave him the scoop about some ‘Nurses’ who had revealed to us that the ultimate sexual pleasure could be obtained by the sensation of steam on the male G-Spot. We discovered later that he had gone home, bent over and inserted the entire spout from a freshly boiled kettle right up his own puckering papper-passage. He blistered and scalded his cack-canyon so badly that he had to wear a cotton-wool stuffed nappy for three weeks and suffered massive internal damage. How we howled.

We once let him in on the secret that a local group of pensioners used Crown Green Bowls competitions as a front whilst they mastermind a devilish plot to close down all public houses and convert them into Werthers Originals factories. My rectum prolapsed with mirth when, driven batshit with rage, TCT went out into the street and viciously battered a pair of old grannies who just happened to be crossing the street at the time.

We managed to convince him that the illuminati had joined forces with David Icke’s lizard people in order to bring about the end of the world in December (20122012). To his credit, he initially seemed sceptical, but then got himself all suspicious when he saw Gary the barman and said he looked ‘a bit lizardy’. After asking for advice on how to repel this evil, we informed him of the ‘fact’ that lizards were scared by the smell of petrol. Subsequently, I almost LoL’d myself inside-out as he sprinted to the nearest petrol station, covered himself in super unleaded, declared himself ‘immune’…and then lit a cigarette to celebrate. ‘You guys!’ he exclaimed, as his charred body crackled in the extreme heat of the fireball that followed.

Finally, we told him that wikileaks had discovered that Saddam Hussein was not dead, but had undergone a sex-change and facial reconstructive surgery in return for signing over all the Iraqi oil reserves. We added that he was now living the sweet life running a kebab shop on the outskirts of Milton Keynes. As you can imagine, we chortled ourselves into comas when we saw on the news that TCT had murdered the entire staff of the ‘Istanbul Palace’ in Wavendon before turning the gun on himself and blowing his own face off.

Some people are just asking for it.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Mon 16 Jan 2012, 9:19, 2 replies)

Now most of ths is just harmless fun,
but I think the skydiving immigrants wind up was taking it a bit far.
(Discocat is bringing sexy back, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 11:14, closed)

I do hope this is all true.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 11:32, closed)