I live with this absolute bitch
called Sarah. She has quite distinctive looks but I have to say the she has the most beautiful, soulful brown eyes.
Now I know she loves me pretty much unconditionally but living with her is no walk in the park.

I think I provide really well for her - generous amounts of the finest cuisine, the most palatial furnishings, I also lavish her with praise, I take her to the most skilled (& expensive) medical professional I could find and she easily has the most amount of room out of anybody living in the house. But I always get the feeling that she always wants more...

Our physical relationship is good if not a little "different" - she goes absolutely nuts when we play dress-up & I put a collar and lead on her, she fucking loves it when I spray her with my hose & she really gets into her watersports. She also really enjoys it when I rub her stomach and nipples with my foot.
Having said that - I insisted at the start of the relationship that I didn't want her having kids, so I paid for and took her to the appointment for her to have an hysterectomy.
We make an effort to keep fit together but it's hard because she constantly tries to push on ahead when all I really want to do is go for a quiet stroll. She also constantly follows me around pestering me when I'm with her and frequently wakes me in the middle of the night, shouting for no apparent reason.

She's very loyal but I have noticed that she slathers just as much attention on other people as she does on me (including complete strangers FFS!). I'm starting to think our relationship is not exclusive.
I know this sounds really dire, I should point out that I really do love her.

It's just that sometimes I wonder if I haven't been lumbered with a complete dog.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 4:17, 18 replies)

not even approaching funny.
1/10, must try a lot harder.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 7:23, closed)

Cheers,
Plummie.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 8:21, closed)

np bbz xx

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 8:36, closed)

watersports? rubbing her nipples?
I understand that this is supposed to be some clever pastiche but wow, how creepy are YOU?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 8:45, closed)

Janet, some news for you -
if you rub your dogs tummy (which they appear to enjoy and is in no way sexual), you're touching their nipples. Just be thankful you don't have to do this.

Ewww. inorite?

Watersports - like chasing the hose, having a swim in the pool or ocean. You know, physical activity involving water.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 9:25, closed)

sorry, I've reconsidered.
This is funny, right, because you think he's talking about a woman, right, but you'll never guess what, right, he's really talking about HIS DOG!!!!!

Do you see? It's very witty.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 8:58, closed)

Clever boy, Plummie.
It's a guddan innit?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 9:27, closed)

No.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 10:39, closed)

This is shit.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 9:53, closed)

That's what she did.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 10:02, closed)

if this was an answer to a QOTW
About girlfriends it might be sort of funny* But it's about pets so you read it knowing it's about a dog so it's really quite appallingly shite


*actually no it's still shite
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 10:30, closed)

See my response to Vag above.

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 10:55, closed)

You're a terrible advert for the effects of alcohol on the human brain.
People like you are the reason fun things get banned.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 11:08, closed)

Dry as a nun's nasty.
Actually.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 11:50, closed)

i think most of the replies here have kind of missed the point
What sort of fucking name for a dog is 'sarah'?
(quintsy, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 11:10, closed)

I quite like 'normal' names for dogs
I have a Boris and used to walk with a Colin & a Derrick
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 11:18, closed)

Worst political satire ever.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 7 Feb 2013, 11:49, closed)

Sarah Brown Dog Green Puppy
As named by my 5 (at the time) yo. daughter.

Also good as - "Is Sarah a problem here?"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Feb 2013, 11:50, closed)