we have a terrapin
He's pretty cool, like a little dinosaur, and he's great to watch. He basks under a UV light and sometimes will stick one leg out, which makes for great comedy. He's not the dog of our dreams, but he's ours and we love him dearly nonetheless.

Anyway

About 3 years ago we got him some cuttlefish, and after great japes and surfing, it eventually sunk to the bottom of the tank where he would nibble at it. One evening we were sitting on the sofa when we noticed something black and shit-like poking out of the middle of his tail. I took mild interest, because I'd never seen him take a crap before, and pointed it out to Chris. But this crap got bigger...and bigger. Eventually, our terrapin was under water, bouncing on top of a medium-sized mushroom looking thing poking out of its tail.

'HOLY SHIT CHRIS,' I cried, 'OUR TERRAPIN'S HAVING A PROLAPSE!'

Actually, it turns out that terrapins have some of the most terrifying sexual organs in the natural world. This thing was a bulbous sac about the size of his torso. we had the good sense to google 'terrapin prolapse' and turns out we weren't the only ones to have this reaction. The most interesting thing is the cuttlefish. He had nibbled it into a shape oddly resembling another terrapin - there was 4 pointy limbs, a head and tail, and before the prolapse he had started floating in front of it and scratching at his neck, a thing that male terrapins do, apparently, to woo the ladies. Supposedly this is quite a rare and beautiful sight and we should consider ourselves lucky to have seen it. In actuality, I'm scarred for life.

tl;dr - our terrapin made a sex doll and then got his terrifying bits out.
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 13:38, 8 replies)

Jones
Jones was the most badly behaved schizoid cat I ever knew. He used to sleep on top of my PC, legs dangling either side.

He also played fetch and knew how to turn off the TV by standing on the remote control.

He was ace.
( finnbar has officially retired, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 12:38, 1 reply)

Puttin' on the Ritz
My partner has some stick insects. They're pretty boring but this one recently did a pose which reminded me of Fred Astaire!


(RJWEcology is just sharpening his axe on, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 12:32, 4 replies)

other ppls untrained dog
Got a hole in my arm where a badly trained bernise mountain dog bit my arm...
Ppl who don't train their animals belong on a lead
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 12:02, 9 replies)

There's an Accrington Red house brick on the top of Snowdon.
My dog put that there in 1978. Found it at the bottom of a stream in Abersoch and carried it there by foot and rail in its massive stupid mouth. It was still there in 1985ish. If one of you cunts has moved it I'll be having words.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 9:57, 2 replies)

Euthanasia.
Off topic for a moment.

There are a few stories here about people having their pets put down. Mine amongst them.

From when she was diagnosed till her last breath it took my mum just over two years to die.
The last 6 mths. (as the cancer ate holes in her magnificent brain) it was clear to all & sundry, including my mum that there really wasn't any need to "treat" her.
Thankfully I managed to keep her at home (which was her wish) up until a week before she went into palliative care and died.

Yet I have had to take a few pets when they were in the same situation to the vets to get them euthanaised. Aside from the sadness and sorrow I had no qualms in ensuring that these animals were being killed in a way that caused them little or no pain and eased any suffering that they were going thru.

Now I know that the euthanasia discussion is not as cut and dried as I have suggested and I am in no way trying to represent a complete argument one way or another. But...
The fact that we'll unhappily provide a quietus for our suffering pets yet we will do almost anything to effectively prolong the suffering by means of trying to continue to treat them when they are deathly ill of our nearest and dearest kinda makes me wonder if as a species and society we are headed in the right direction.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 3 Feb 2013, 6:22, 26 replies)

Stupid Cat
A cat turned up to live at my house a few months ago. It is lacking spacial awareness, falls over a lot, can't figure out how to push a door open and farts all the time like a dog.

Yesterday it jumped on my lap and I noticed a strong smell of cat shit. Then I noticed a brown paw print on my jeans. Stupid twat trod its own shit into the house.
(Demis CousCous, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 2:45, Reply)

My cat
I used to love my cat. It was called 'Whiskers' I know, not the most original name but I was 5 at the time.
I had 3 older brothers who used to tease the fuck out of me so the cat was my 'go to guy' when I was upset after they took the piss/beat the shit out of me, in a brotherly way.
I would spend many a happy hour in the garden playing with Whiskers. It used to scratch everything and refused to eat cat food but I loved it, of course I did!
One day, I went looking for him and couldn't find him. Then got distracted by stuff...
I was sat in my bedroom playing with my Sindy dolls and mum came in after she had gone to do a big shop in Kwiksave.
'Where is whiskers? have you seen him today?'
'Oh yes, I took him to the cats home, got rid'

:(
Fucking hell mum.
I never got over it.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 1:05, 7 replies)

The people next door gave us a Rabbit
The following week they asked how it was.
'It was lovely thanks!' we replied.
:-)
*edit* Not actually joking...
( JamHamster My eyes, my beautiful eyes!, Sun 3 Feb 2013, 0:20, 3 replies)

flopsy don more poo and it looks like a plop

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 23:33, 15 replies)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqUWfOU4mwo
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 22:34, Reply)

There was a spider, in the bath, last night

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 19:43, 9 replies)

Rogerzilla vs. the crapping cat
I fought a long war against a cat in the neighbourhood that liked nothing better than crapping in my flowerbeds. Countless times I chased it with a jug of water, but the critter was far too quick for me. Once I even tried a water bomb from an upstairs window but this thing had reflexes of lightning and was even too fast for the spatter.

More thought was needed, and after some investigation I realised the evacuating moggy was escaping from the garden via a gap under the fence in the corner. So I blocked the gap with a couple of bricks.

Shortly afterwards, the cat is squatted reading Exchange & Mart (metaphorically) in the buzy lizzies and I spring into action with my jug. Before I'm even out of the back door the cat is trotting away in a fairly relaxed manner, knowing its escape route is secure.

And then it finds the gap is no longer there.

I catch up with it, and the cat looks at me with an expression that can only be described as "Arse!". It makes a comedy attempt to climb the fence, but it's all flustered, the fence panel is lapped the wrong way, and it only succeeds in a kind of Wile E. Coyote running-on-the-spot-after-going-over-a-cliff effect as it fails to gain traction.

I almost feel guilty as I give it an unwanted shower.

This keeps it away for, oh, a good fortnight.

Ironically I like cats and eventually found the only real way to stop cats crapping in your garden is...get your own cat.
(rogerzilla, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 19:33, 7 replies)

The burger dog from my previous post
Punched my mate square in the mouth, not on purpose though (probably on purpose). She used to jump up at him when he came back from work, put her paws on his shoulders and lick his face. One day she pushed off his chest a bit and came forward paw first smacking him right in the gob. She burst his lip open.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 19:29, Reply)

The lil bugger.
We got her from the dogs home. We should have realized when a tenner, as a donation was tendered, the guy gave me a fiver back. Even he referred to her as "the li'l black bugger", she was a wire haired terrier of indeterminate type. Trying to think of a more noble name, we thought to long and she ended up as just plain "dog". Sometimes on the lead she would stop and stand rigid refusing to go further, sometimes we dragged her and she got over it, sometimes she just snapped out of it an carried on. Off the lead she would be the devils own job to get back. But always came home, once even swimming the river to get home. One day she stopped and wouldn't budge and being in a hurry we left her on the path. Returning in a few moments she was gone....she was seen out on the mud flats, by a friend chasing sea gulls, each group of gulls ever further out. I think she just got stuck and the tide took her.
(Rrose Slavy, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 19:16, 5 replies)

I like fingering pussies.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 2 Feb 2013, 19:05, 6 replies)

Oh man, I've just had the worst afternoon. We drove to a little village near Cheltenham to visit the harpist who's going to play at our wedding reception.
Unfortunately my BMW got completely stuck when I tried to turn around in the lane that leads to her house. I had to ask her husband for a spade and spent an hour digging my car out whilst my fiancee listened to her playing the harp. My car looks like something from the Battle of the Somme and I didn't get to hear any harp music!
Sorry it's not related to this weeks topic, I don't have any pets so I thought you'd like to hear about my day instead.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 18:40, 27 replies)

"Ahreet Steve! Whit de ye think te me new dog?"
"Ah man Alan man, ye daft get! That's ney dog, it's a cat!"
"Nah it's not man, he's called Rex! Ye divn't get cats called Rex!"
"Aye ye dee man!"
"Aww, nee wonder he nivvor gans afta sticks like or nowt."

Source
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 18:40, 3 replies)

Pant pant pant! Please pay me some attention! Pant pant pant! Look! I've created a fake account because you kicked me in the arse last week! Pant pant drool pant!
b3ta.com/users/profile.php?id=93269
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 18:33, 14 replies)

Tortoises are horny little scamps.
We have two tortoises- both male- creatively named Tortoise and Tiny.

Tortoise is gay. We're not sure about Tiny. Whenever Tortoise mounts him, Tiny will make a strange, high pitched keening noise.

One time my grandma had a bible study group in the garden and this keening starts from the tortoise hut. All the little old ladies and the vicar ask my grandma what the noise could possibly be-?

Red-faced, my grandma babbled, "Oh, it's the tortoises. They, err... they sing! When they're happy."

Wow! Said the old ladies. Can we see it? We never knew tortoises sing! Can we see them singing?

"No." My grandma said hastily, "They only sing when they're in the dark. If we open the hut they'll just stop. It's why they're not on telly."
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 17:59, 1 reply)

Someone once put a fluffeh kitteh in my wheely bin.
Stay Away From My Bins!
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 15:17, 9 replies)

My dog was put down.
Someone called poor Rex a 'cunt'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 14:57, 5 replies)

I tend to get animals that others don't want.
My first cat was a cross breed from a pure bred Siamese Mother show cat, who had got out of her gilded cage of a home and bred with a moggy from next door. The owners were horrified and said kitten was got rid of at six weeks to me. I nursed him and loved for twelve years until I went to university, leaving him with my Mother. When I came home to visit during my third year it was to find my precious cat very ill with cat flu. A quick trip to the vet and my faithful friend was put to sleep, as he lay still and gone in my hands, the fluid that was slowly drowning him drained from his lungs, there was so much and I was bereft at how much he must of suffered.

A friend had a beautiful pet Honduran Curly Hair Tarantula that she was unable to keep, so I took that on and discovered that I had a real love for the animal. Holding her was amazing because she felt like a small mouse and yet her feet brushed my hand like a ribbon. She was so beautiful and I still do not understand how people can be so fearful of such a delicate animal. Sadly I was forced to rehome her when my landlady freaked out big time when I explained that my vivarium did not contain fish.

Next came my boy Jasper, another kitten who I still have. He was a foundling who turned up in a friends kitchen. He is now seven years old and he sleeps curled up with me every night.

A couple of years ago my other half decided that she wanted to fly a bird of prey again and she set her heart on another Barn Owl. So following a lot of research we found a specialist breeder and booked an appointment. When we got there to see our baby bird we were informed that she had "wing drop!" This turned out to be a broken shoulder joint that had healed badly in her first couple of weeks after hatching. So after some thought and following being told that she was pretty much unwanted, we took her on. She is magnificent, makes a wonderful neck warmer and she loves cuddles from her human mummies. However, she is horrendously territorial she recently caused a huge biker friend of ours to squeal like a girl when she dive bombed his freshly shaven head!


( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 14:56, 3 replies)

I had to put my cat down
a well
( A Rory Borealis here under duress, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 14:21, 3 replies)

Some friends I used to live with
Had two Japanese Akitas, those things can eat. If you were eating they would sit in front of you, as close as they could get, and dribble. Eventually they always got something, the sadness in their eyes was almost a physical thing, weighing down on you. One day I was eating an Al Pacino burger (Triple cheese burger with kebab meat and mozzarella) and after fighting my way through almost half of it I reached for a drink. The burger slipped. I don't even think it touched the floor. Within an instant the bigger of the two dogs had eaten it. She took maybe two bites and swallowed it. Seconds it took her to eat it and seconds later she was sitting in front of me dribbling with that sad look in her eyes as if *I* had wronged her. Maybe by not giving her my chips as well.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 13:49, 11 replies)

I used to have a colony of pet pubic lice
The recent news that the rise of “the Brazilian” is threatening the crabs’ habitat and may make them go extinct has made me done a sad.

I also found out one interesting fact about crabs from New Scientist: pubic lice are not closely related to head lice, however they are closely related to gorilla lice. I'll just let that sink in for a while...
(Eukanuba, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 11:52, 6 replies)

Rabbit pie
Friends of ours had pet rabbits. Soon they had lots of pet rabbits. Then that started to try give away their excess rabbits. I mentioned I'd consider a few if he couldn't find homes. He was a bit taken aback and mentioned that he'd never considered me as a the rabbits as pets type. I told him I wasn't a rabbits as pets type. but rabbit pie OTOH...

Anyway after he ran out of people to give rabbits to, he conceded and gave me the last two he wasn't able to home.

We turned them into a rabbit pie which we took back to his place for dinner. Complete with cute bunny silhouette on the pie crust. To his credit, he ate a good portion. OTOH I was just reminded of just how bland rabbit meat is.

Totally worth it for the silent moment at a party when a common friend asked him about what happened to the two last rabbits and he said that I'd eaten them. Some initial laughs, but an awkward silence when common friend realised we were not joking.

If you get a pet rabbit, get just one pet rabbit.
(xixax, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 11:48, 1 reply)

the next door neigbours had a boxer called ben
while we were on holdiay, they kept it in our backyard while they had their daughter's wedding. It managed to squeeze through the fence palings while they were having the ceremony, whereupon it ran excitely through the crowd until it jumped up greeting their daughter, and happily urinated copiously all over her wedding dress
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 5:28, 2 replies)

flopsy gon plop plops flofl

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 2 Feb 2013, 0:53, Reply)