The ‘Inappropriate Situation Danger Horn’
When I were a lad, our school did a play every year. It alternated between Welsh and English (as it was a Welsh school, not some bizarre Welsh obsessed English School).

I was in a couple of plays/musicals for the first few years of secondary school but never a major part. I was usually on stage as I didn’t really suffer from stage fright and I could carry the odd tune. I also douched regularly.

However I unfortunately had my card marked before I could peak. I was playing the head ‘brother’ in the production of ‘Joseph’. The reason why I was playing the head brother was the fact that I could sing in a ‘comedy’ French accent.

It was the opening night. My family were in tow, clapping at the right times, and in the front row. I was wearing a comedy French black and white stripey top, a beret, and a pair of very tight cloth trousers. Sadly my ‘wife’, was pretty much the hottest girl in the school. Oh dear. We can probably tell what happened can’t we?

I got the ‘inappropriate situation danger horn’ when I was dancing closely with this gorgeous girl.

I have never ever had such a diamond cutting erection in all of my life. I tried to hunch my body so it wouldn’t be so noticeable, but I had to go to front centre stage halfway through the song, and the shocked gasps and laughs from the mums and dads highlighted my plight. I felt like I could burst through my trousers in some horrid Hulk-like transformation and sweep people off stage with it. I actually felt unbalanced.

I went incandescently red in the face and forgot the lyrics to my solo. The conductor of the orchestra (the redoubtable Mr. ‘Bumface’ Morgan), noticed I missed my cue and got the orchestra to replay the cue again. And again. But I was too shell-shocked. It was literally the worst and most embarrassing thing that could possibly happen. I was like a moth at ground zero. I remember *enjoying* the feeling in some perverse way. Then everything went fuzzy and we were all called off the stage and the next scene commenced.

No reasons were ever officially given but I was bumped from the play and my understudy had to fill in. I was teased by parents and children alike. Thank god I never had a gun.

Length?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 10:45, 3 replies)

Genius
*applause*

Many years too late for you, perhaps, but applause nonetheless.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:01, closed)

"Thank god I never had a gun"
Evidently not.

As your story makes abundantly clear, that definitely wasn't a gun in your pocket, and you really were just pleased to see her.

Have a click.
(Capo, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:23, closed)

Ha!
Love it!
( SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 13:05, closed)