Lunar death run! May day! May day!
When I was an astronaut, working for a secret government organisation in 1806, I had a near death experience.

I was to be the pilot on the real first rocket to the moon. It was a steam powered rocket and, to keep it secret, we built it to look like a lighthouse. Suspicions were raised amongst locals, as the found the addition of a lighthouse to trafalgar square seemed a bit eccentric. However, we managed to quell interest in our project by travelling in time and starting the Great Fire of London over 100 years late.

The day of the launch, we had to distract the attention of the entire populous of the capital. This was surprisingly easy to achieve. We recruited Brian Blessed, who stood on top of the yet-to-be-built Millenium Dome and shouted 'Look over there' and pointed in the opposite direction of the launch.

Needless to say, with British engineering the way it is, the launch was effortless. We had practiced pulling all the levers and turning the dials for days, and all that effort paid off.

We arrived in space without a glitch. Now we had to set course, and for some reason our compass had stopped working. We decided to take our navigation method from nature. So, in moth-like mimicry, we kept the moon to our left at all times.

Two days later, we reaslised we were lost in space. We hadn't been keeping the moon to our left at all; we had mixed it up with the sun. What is more we were running out of air. Luckily, my first mate (A pre-'spit' Bob Carolgees) had bought with him a packet of twenty balloons of various colours. We quickly set about inflating them, and by this method we had created a considerable extra air supply, which we had to ration out for the rest of the journey.

Using an ordinance survey map and Bob's keen eye for navigation, we managed to figure out where we were; twenty miles from the Sun, directly above the M27. We recharted our course, and just managed to get to the moon before closing time. We stuck up a British flag as quick as we could, and set off for home.

Obviously by this time, we were very short of air. We opened all the cupboards in case there was any in there, but to no avail. As I slipped into unconciousness I remember hoping that we were pointing in the right direction, as we were all passing out, and we would have no opportunity to steer for ourselves.

This is when I had my near death experience. There was a tunnel of light which a vole lead me through. When I got to the other end I saw that it was the Dartford tunnel. Then I spotted my Grandmother, who was negotiating the purchase of a bungalow. I tried to tell to tell her to check for rising damp, but she told me it wasn't time for me to be there yet.

That's as much as I remember. The next thing I recall is waking up in the upside down rocket. It had landed nose first in the stoney beach of Southsea seafront. We hid the rocket under some leaves, and caught the next train home, stopping only to have tea and scones at the station in Liphook.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Fri 26 Nov 2004, 11:39, Reply)