One Dark Night...
...I was racing against a friend during a late-night Thrash around the hills on our Trusty Moutainbikes. We were riding through a stretch of fast and downhill field. We did it all the time.

This time was to be different: This time we were stoned.

Leering at each other (much like slavvering hounds with their heads out of the car window at 70mph) in the very murky darkness, we pounded on the pedals and hurled ourselves into oblivion. We were moving at warp speed into darkness. Scotty had nothing on us - He was right - HIS engines couldn't take any more - OURS however were pushing us faster and faster, until the world was a blur - We were going fater than humanly posible - We were laughing like maniacs - The feeling of speed was stupendous - the rushing sensation was..... GONE!
and so was my mate.
and so was my bike.

I was in pain. Really serious pain. I was alone in the dark, on the ground, and clutching at my nuts which seemed to have been violated in some way... I was a bloody and mangled heap of hurt.

It was then that I heard the noise. A deep gutteral gurgling wheezing noise that had no right to exist. It was scared the pap out of me, and then I realised where it was coming from... It was coming from my mouth.

I tried to stop it, but failed. The biggest thing on my mind was that I was making an embarassing noise and was powerless to stop. I was still wondering how to stop this incessant gurgling and groaning, when the cause of my crash made itself apparent: Thundering towards me was a particularly irate Bull. It was making a noise that's hard to describe. "pissed off Bovine" fails to cover it.
Try imagining the noise that a Gorilla would make if he was wearing a Ball-Gag, with his hands cuffed to his ankles, as you shove a Giant, Freshly-boiled and steaming hot Pinapple up his tightly puckered tea-towel holder.... Make it louder, and then add Thundering hooves as a background noise....

Worrying? you don't know the half of it.

It arrived on the same piece of field that I was occupying roughly 2 seconds after I had first sighted it.

*********
I can assure you, that if you're going to ride hell for leather through a field in the dark, It's a good idea to check for standing-and-sleeping cows.

Ride around them. Do not under any circumstances ride INTO them. Especially if they are giant bulls. Especially if you're doing 40mph.
**************

I was caught in a one-Bull stampede. It was not the most jolly occasion of my life. I realised that the beast was as blind in this darkness as I was. The pain of getting onto all fours and crawling took my breath (and silly noises) away. I crawled away from the meaty mother-lover, and found my mangled bike just as my mate re-appeared.

The damage list was surprisingly small
£600 Kona bike frame bent out of shape (but still ridable)
1 snapped handlebar. (bull arse)
2 broken ribs, (initial bull impact)
1 fractured finger, (bull stampage)
2 bruised nuts, (handlebar stem)
1 torn Scrote. (see above)

During the stompede I was convinced that I was going to die.
The Pain in my scrote for the next few days made me wish I HAD died.

Apologies to Farmer for arse-raping his bull with A mountain bike.

EDIT: Dear god that's one long post...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 26 Nov 2004, 12:45, Reply)