Earthquake
Being woken up at eight in the morning on a Sunday in late October by a fucking bone shuddering, big bastard, ball clenching motherfucker of an earthquake. The walls of my house were shaking so violently that I considered diving underneath the Mrs so she'd take the full brunt of the soon-to-be collapsing masonry.

But instead I shot out of bed, shook the Mrs awake and said: "Its a fucking earthquake! Get up! Its a fucking earthquake!"

My Mrs pointed out we don't get too many earthquakes in leafy Northamptonshire and rolled over to go back to sleep. As she gave me the brush off she mumbled something about it being the kids next door.

Perplexed, I suddenly realised the photo frames and other various womanly shit on the dresser was bouncing - rythmically as a dull THONK... THONK... THONK... THONK... sound twatted through my house faster than a dose of syphilis riddles a horny sailor on his first shoreleave in six months who's ship's docked in Liverpool.

Feeling quite angry now (Sunday's are my day of rest and casual masturbation in the shower or), I shot out of bed, went to the window and, yes, there they were.

Next doors bastard spawn playing football against my wall. MY FUCKING WALL! Their own house was comprised, in no small part, of walls, so this really pissed me off.

I couldn't just go out there and twist their heads off. That would've been seen as unreasonable. But I decided to give them the fright of their lives. As I've mentioned, it was late October. I had the kit for the party the Mrs. and I were attending in my wardrobe.

Five minutes later my Mrs was woken by a high pitched squeal: "AAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!!" And then the thumping stopped.

I came back into the bedroom: "What you been up to?" asked the Mrs.

"Oh, nothing," I said, as I hid the full on Scream outfit (complete with mask, cape and fuck off huge rubber knife) I'd bought for Halloween back out of sight in my sock drawer.
(Big Grant, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:12, 2 replies)

I want
to be you!
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 15:05, closed)

*narrows eyes*
what are you trying to say about liverpudlian women?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 22:26, closed)