Cheap house for rent-Sheep herding experience preffered
Way way back in the mists of time a much younger Mon was due to be homeless and looking for somewhere quick. I thought that I had lucked out as after a couple of dreary one room shitholes I was shown a lovely northern facing property in the middle of nowhere. Seriously the place was within my budget and all I had to do was put up with the solitary sheep that grazed in the field.

After a quick look around the landlady (A lovely woman who had made a shitload of money in the entertainment industry) explained that there was one snag with the property and that was the grassland around the property also belonged to her and she would regularly loan out the plot to musicians/ actors to perform live concerts/ open air ramblings, etc, etc. The house itself was classed as security premises and also a small distance away from the area that theacts would use. I would be warned in advance of the upcoming shows and would be paid to lock up the sheep in a specially designed sheep pen in the back garden. I loved the place and an idea of seeing a few free live shows really appealed to me. I signed up a 12 month agreement and moved in the next day.

The novelty of a live concert wore off pretty quick. Mainly because I thought it would be something like Glastonbury but it turned out to be a bunch of shitty unknown groups that could not play any instruments, or some spoddy convention about an obscure film/ author that attracted a small following of unwashed wierdo’s. The sheep was a little fucker to catch too. Any time I was scheduled to put it in its pen the wooly little sod would turn into a demon and leave me exhausted and covered in a fine coating of mud and sheep shit.

The most memorable moment happened one rainy Saturday in April. The stupid tart of a landlady had accidentally double booked the area with two acts and rather than cancel one of the acts she decided to let them share the space and asked me to sacrifice my weekend by staying in the house watching that both camps did not cause any trouble. I was sat looking at the two camps being set up at opposite ends of the field and wondered why I was spending a weekend doing such a stupid task. On the east side of the site was for a fan convention of the TV show of Batman starring Adam West (With guest appearance of Cesar Romero and some other bloke that played King Tut) the other side was a specialist circus that had decided to ban using all animals and do nothing but use comedy acts that can also perform acrobatic moves. I tried to sneak over to the convention but was sent back (Ticket only and as half the visitors were dressed as Cesar Romero’s character I stuck out like a sore thumb). I decided to avoid the circus as I always find it odd for a grown person to paint their face and entertain kids (Wrestlers and French football fans are exceptions to this rule).

I trudged back up the driveway to spend my weekend watching the grass grow when the landlady rung to let me know that she had booked a live concert for a famous Scottish rock folk group to turn up in three months time and one of the band members was going to call down and see the plot in about 10 minutes, she was hoping to meet him there but was delayed at the office so could I meet him and stall for time until she turned up.

Gnashing my teeth I put my wellies on, headed out back, checked on the sheep and then headed out to the bottom of the road to meet the bloke, a guy called Gerry Rafferty (who turned out to be a decent bloke).

So this is the place eh? Said Mr Rafferty

Yup says a rather wet and pissed off Mon

Whats it like living here asked Gerry

Pfft…..Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right …here I am stuck in the middle with Ewe.

(I would say that I am sorry for this awful pun but I enjoy it)
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 12:37, 8 replies)

fucking hell

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:00, closed)

I knew something was coming...
But I couldn't see what!

*click
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:01, closed)

for the love of...

( rofl harris, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:16, closed)

Fuck
That's 5 minutes of my life you owe me.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:35, closed)

Cunt
Click
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 14:42, closed)

marvellous
clicks
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 17:39, closed)

that actually caused me pain
you fucker
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 21:34, closed)

By Christ that's grim
Click.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 7 Oct 2009, 10:28, closed)