almost a mrs.
due to the fact that i'm a greedy cunt who has never learned when to say no, most of my nights out end in me being disgustingly drunk. you'd think i'd learn, but no.

one night, many years ago, a friend of mine decided to set me up with her boyfriend's brother. he was a rather pleasant greek chap, not my usual type, but amiable enough and decent company. he was the youngest of 3 brothers. the eldest was going out with my friend's sister, the middle brother was, of course, going out with my friend. between them, the brothers owned and ran a kebab house in the town centre. nestled in the basement of the shop was a fully-stocked bar, awaiting a license(which they never got) to open for business. of course, we decided to test out the booze.
we tested it all friday night and most of saturday.
saturday tea time rolls around to find myself and greek chap getting along famously. truth be told, we were being rather lovey-dovey and more than a little vom-inducing. my mate, sickened by the slushy display she was being forced to witness, then uttered the line that would change our weekend entirely: "for fuck's sake, if you like each other that much, why don't you just get fucking married?"
this sounded like a splendid idea. the six of us hauled our drunken arses out to the lads' van* and piled in. after a quick discussion about which motorway to take, we headed north.
to gretna green.
it was dark by the time we found our way there and, due to none of us having very much money, we all decided to sleep in the van before finding the registry office in the morning. more booze was consumed.

the next morning, i was hit simultaneously by 3 things: the cold light of day, a vicious hangover and the grim realisation that i'd been a COLOSSAL fuckwit. not only had i been stupid enough to drive a few hundred miles in a van piloted by a pissed-up man, but i had actually thought it'd be funny to marry a man whose name i couldn't even pronounce. shame hung in that van like a velvet elvis portrait. as the others came to, we shared a few sideways guilty glances. words, however, were not needed. the van was turned around and we headed home.
since that cringeworthy day, i have never again laid eyes upon that greek bloke. i feel that we both had a very lucky escape. i am now slightly less of a drunken belled.

for anyone wishing to get married in gretna green, i believe you have to register a few days before you get married. this rule was probably introduced to stop drunken idiots from doing what we tried to do.

*i know it was stupid, but i really have no excuse for getting into a van that was being drunk-driven :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 16:58, 4 replies)

Stop the compo.
Surely this can't be beaten.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 17:02, closed)

i really hope it can
surely i can't be the dumbest pisshead on here, right?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 17:04, closed)

You've got to admit
You have set the bar pretty damn high.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 18:03, closed)

i'm on my way out in ten minutes
to a pre-hen night bridesmaid's planning party. fuck knows what i may be posting tomorrow :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 18:14, closed)

You have a party while planning the party that precedes the wedding party?
Christ. Marriage is getting complicated these days.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 18:26, closed)

i'm more than a bit drunk :)

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 23:12, closed)

I fucking love you Smash!

( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 21:47, closed)

yay!

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 23:13, closed)

Click for the velvet Elvis portrait.
(H K Phooey, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 14:39, closed)