pigeons, ankles and ham
not long after it became legal for me to buy booze, i went into town with my cousin and a couple of mates to get utterly twatted. this involved broomstick aerobics on the stage, downing a bottle of wine in one go, climbing onto the bar and yelling "ARMADILLOS!" at the poor barmaid, who was curled up in a foetal position, trying to stop laughing so that she could breathe again.
as the sun crept over the horizon, we decided it was time to go home. however, no matter how many cabs we flagged, none of them were willing to let us get in. walking seemed the only option.
now, my memory is rather sketchy here, but i do remember people trying to lift me off the floor under a railway bridge. still, i would find out later what had happened.

scroll forward to lunchtime, when i awoke in my own bed, curiouslu not hungover. feeling full of the joys of spring, i leapt out of bed and instantly crumbled into an ungainly heap on the bedroom floor. five minutes of pitiful mewling summoned my mother, who helped me get back into bed, where i stayed for the next 2 days. before getting into bed, i managed to look at my feet. my ankles were both like large purple balloons, inflated with pain.
seems i'd managed to go splay-legged under the bridge, badly spraining both ankles and landing in a pile of pigeon shit. as i was pissed, i ignored the pain and continued walking(once i'd been scraped up off the floor, of course) home.
once home, it seems that i became rather peckish. ham sandwiches smothered in tomato sauce is what i decided to eat. apparently, i must have thought there was going to be a food shortage, because i made several sandwiches and secreted them about the place. the downstairs bathroom, the hallway, one of my shoes and a coat pocket were all deemed perfect sandwich hidey-holes. being a kindly person, i'd also tried to feed the goldfish a slice of ham. they didn't eat it.
when mum awoke, she was greeted by the sight of unholy carnage in her kitchen. ham, sauce, butter and crumbs everywhere. pissed off but knowing she wouldn't be able to rouse me, she cleaned up, doubtless muttering curses and imprecations the whole time.
when the swelling had receded from my ankles enough for them to stop being cankles, i was able to walk again. sympathy was not forthcoming, although the fish were renamed ham and porky.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:46, 2 replies)

Armadillos!
oi loikes armadillos!

youtu.be/ZwTHVZHqSb0
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 13:55, closed)

arf!
it was exactly that ad that had us yelling "ARMADILLOS!" at everyone!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 14:37, closed)