I'm glad *for them* that noone witnessed it....
I was once in a group of people who drive little kit.cars based on the original Mini. They're road legal, but more amusing offroad. One weekend each summer, we'd all meet up and hammer them around a massive area usually frequented by landrover-ish people. This used to be a "Blokey" thing with only a few hard-core lasses turning up... and then women started to come, and then some guys decided that the ladies needed comfort, and bought frikking landrovers and caravans instead of tents.. and it all started to go tits-up.

Before too long, it had become an event that needed to be "organised" and a porta-toilet was ordered at great expense. No longer was taking the shovel up the field a valid option, and sooner or later, it became frowned upon.

************'

One morning after spending the night on the ale my guts and body weren't feeling too good. It was long after sunrise and desperately in need of lettings a serious cludgie go, I exited a foul-smelling CO2-rich tent and swayed off to the porta-toilet which by this time, had spent 3 days in the sun. I opened the door to a horrific smell, a fly-swarm and a pile of shit that peaked at seat-level. I baulked: No way was I going to manage to keep my guts from exploding at both ends...

I toddled off into the morning with a small roll of bog-roll clutched tightly in one sweating hand, and vainly attempted to walk smoothly lest I should upset the growling beast that was my bowel. About half way up the hill I realised that what I needed most was a drink of water... momentarily I stopped and considered the re-percussions of returning to camp, but instantly resumed my waddle of shame on when my sphincter was nearly overcome by a wave of hot pressure.

A few minutes later I was deep in the woods, surveying the area and getting pissed at myself for not bringing a spade... The day was hot and still, the woods were warm, and the buzz of insects held the promise of a seriously frustrating crap.

I stood and surveyed the site. After a deeply agonising moment, weighing up the known blast-radius that my arse was capable of, the lack of hole and blast wall (didn't have a spade) and the predicted consistency of what was to follow.... I decided to squat on a slope, hoping that exit would be brought closer to the ground, thus narrowing the blast-zone.

After another brief moment of thought - (those of you who know me well will remember that I'm genuinely scared of my own arse's capabilities) - I decided to remove my boxers, trousers and boots.. working on the theory that it was easier to clean crap off my legs.

So.. Squatting on a slope in the woods, wearing only a T-Shirt and a hung-over grimace, I closed my eyes, concentrated on the buzzing of the insects and tried to relax my sphincter gently... I jumped as a fly landed on my ring-piece.. calmed my nerves and tried again.

The next 5 minutes are etched into my mind as a "what not to do" tutorial for the future.

The resulting flow of man-slurry exited fast, It flowed downhill at speed, and my placement of the bog-roll (infront of me) suddenly seemed less than smart. Then the smell hit me. Buoyed up by it's own heat, the stench floated upwards in the still humid air and assaulted me. Suddenly I was retching again, and on an empty stomach I produced only bile. Gasping for breath resulted in large nasal inhalations, more retching... for the second time of my life I was in a disastrous shit-induced positive-feedback loop. Morbid curiosity forced me to look as green bile surfed atop a torrent of liquid turd, only to realise with horror what I was looking at - and the cycle would start again.

I moved - Sideways - like a shitty crab. Clutching a trees for much-needed stability, I evaded the stench and rode out the rest of my bodily convulsions in relative comfort: even the flies trying to munch my ass were pleasant by comparison.

I walked back without underwear and T-shirt.... always put your bog-roll uphill. Always.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Sun 30 Jan 2011, 21:35, 7 replies)

"I moved - Sideways - like a shitty crab."
Hahahaha!
clicks.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 30 Jan 2011, 22:12, closed)

^this

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 30 Jan 2011, 22:29, closed)

^Ditto
*Click* also for "I was in a disastrous shit-induced positive-feedback loop"
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 2:06, closed)

^This as well^
Loving your work, sir.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 9:24, closed)

Had to hide my laughter behind my hand in the office.
Click!
( Evil Bastardo, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 14:31, closed)

Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits witnessed it?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 2 Feb 2011, 8:34, closed)