I shall drop my pea just about... here.
Yes... Not really proud of this one.
It was about twenty years ago, some friends and I were in the airport going to Malta of all places for a bit of a lash.
I was (cough use of past tense cough) a bit of a smoker back then, and really didn't want to go the two weeks without a bifta, so came up with a cunning plan. I packed about a quarter into a little tube about the size of my finger, and parcel taped it to my thigh, as high up as possible.
Going through customs to get to the 'plane, the guy points at me.
"Mind stepping over here sir?"
You know that feeling when your stomach gets lodged in your mouth, and you can see the hole opening up in front of you?
"Just a quick search, sir" as he starts to pat me down.
Under the arms, down the sides of the body, then to the turn ups and up the legs.
As he got closer, I knew I was bound for a dirty life as some crim's bitch. I could see the look on my parent's faces, the life I could have had washing away from me with every pat.
Past the knee, and at the thigh I was literally preparing the "It's a fair cop guv'" speech when he touched the tube. He looked up at me, no doubt seeing the panic break out on my face, and pulled back sharpish.
"(Something garbled)"
My mind didn't comprehend. I knew I'd been busted, in the most stupid way I could have chosen. This was stupid. I stood there, waiting for the officers to wrestle me down and ping the rubber gloves on the ends of their fingers.
"(More garble) you go sir."
Tears started to well up in me as the reality struck home and I knew home was somewhere I'd be dreaming of for a while.
"I said you can go sir."
The inner workings of my brain finally kicked in. I said nothing, but stumbled through to the departure lounge where I shakily lit up a Marlborough. (Yes, and you could smoke 'em on the 'planes back then as well!)
I can only surmise he thought he'd touched my dick and was as shocked as I was.

Now, before you start, I am fully aware of just how stupid I was, even so, any flaming may well be justified. I learnt a lot of lessons that holiday, and hopefully grew up a fair bit in the process. I mean, Malta? I may as well have been taking snow to the Arctic.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 9:18, 4 replies)

why
would you not just shove it up your arse? a quarter is nowt, you can get at least an ounce up there
(AndySpanners not working too hard on, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 11:25, closed)

I considered it,
for about 0.0001 of a second.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 11:54, closed)

getting frisked in athens airport.
the chap, with his hand halfway up my thigh asked me 'what side's your baggage?'

'I dunno it's kind of bunched up' I say as I adjust my fruitbowl through my pocket.

'no, your bags' he says, pointing to the conveyor belts. 'right or left?'

'oh, left'

he wandered off shaking his head.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 17:14, closed)

Haha!
Surely that much would have been evident? (I've seen the website!)
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 27 Jan 2012, 17:23, closed)