when we were about 16, my friend evie's parents foolishly went away and foolishly left her and her brother alone with a house sitter
she promptly threw a massive party. the poor housesitter, edwin the 21 year old postman, could only look on in horror. eventually he locked himself in the lounge and sat rocking with his hands over his ears. all sorts of pointless teenage shit went down: someone was sick in the pond and the koi carp ate it; someone smashed her mum's bird ornaments; someone got superglued into the spare room. and evie met roger.

roger was a bit older than us, and he was a novelty, being someone's cousin and so a stranger to all of us. before long, he and evie were snogging, and before much longer, they were heading upstairs. a bit later on, our friend vik and i were at the bottom of the stairs when a tear stained evie came down them.

"i just had sex," she howled. "and i wasn't ready!" vik and i were totally shocked. worried about her tears; slightly jealous/intrigued at the popped cherry; furious with roger if she hadn't wanted to do it. a whole host of emotions. we took her back upstairs and started calming her down.

roger definitely hadn't done anything wrong. she just couldn't really remember it, and it wasn't how she had wanted to lose her virginity, especially as she didnt remember it going in, wah wah wah. we consoled her for ages. until vik suddenly looked at her closely.

"you didn't have sex," she said firmly. "you're still wearing your tights." and she was absolutely right.

a year later we went on a girlie holiday to greece, and evie managed to ask not one but two blokes over the course of the 2 weeks whether they'd actually had sex the night before (they hadn't). she's married with a kid now. god help it when it comes to the birds and the bees chat.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 May 2014, 21:37, 2 replies)

Wot no scat? #swipefail

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 May 2014, 21:54, closed)

add an 'h'
to each instance of the word 'sitter'. Also, 'pointless teenage shit'
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Fri 23 May 2014, 9:50, closed)