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This is a question Not having sex

Our pal Freddie Woo says: Climbing into the back seat of the car, she sat on a fortnight-old bag of food shopping I had completely forgotten about. The stench of a bag of bean sprouts popping open is a real passion-killer, I can tell you for nothing. Tell us about the shag you didn't have because you blew it.

(, Thu 22 May 2014, 14:01)
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Alcohol and loosening
A good few years back, I'd been good friends with a girl and she was off to work overseas for a year, so she decided she'd have a bit of a do for some of her friends to say goodbye. I was invited.

I was also the only person other than her who was at her house that night. Oh-ho, thought I, getting a distinct good feeling.

"So", she said, "Do you want to go out, or will we just stay in with a drink and a video?" I opted for the latter option. Fewer opportunities for interruption, I figured. So we went and got a few bottles of wine, and sat down to watch a film with drink and some food. All good so far.

I don't remember much about the film to be honest, although I do recall seeing a nice pair of tits in it. Unfortunately that was the only pair I was going to see that evening. I seemed to have consumed rather a lot of wine, and by the time bed was suggested, I eagerly stood up, then sat down again in a hurry as my balance wasn't all it should have been. I stood up again, more carefully this time, and just at that point, my innards started to rumble a bit.

"Bugger", I thought. "I'm going to let rip with a big fart, just at the critical point". And as it happens, I did. There was no holding it in, and out came a serious expulsion of gas.

That was bad enough, but I then felt a damp, heavy warmth not normally associated with simple gaseous emissions. Yes, for the only time I can recall in adult life, I had shat myself.

"I think I need to go to the toilet", quoth I.

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea", she agreed, having guessed the nature of my plight (possibly by the vile aroma emanating from my nether regions, and my now very odd gait).

I slept in the spare bed that night. Never did get any from her.
(, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:11, 2 replies)
Incontinence is no laughing matter.
Nonetheless, I am having a laugh at your expense.
(, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:44, closed)
You drank wine, you got what you deserved. Wine opens up the arse muscles because it's only drunk by women and bummers.
You should have either stuck to lager, in which case you could have simply blamed getting brewer's droop on her being ugly, or gin. Because gin makes a man mean.
(, Thu 29 May 2014, 0:09, closed)

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