The torturous consequences and downfall of the ex overdue V plate holder
It may be a while back since those dark days, but gods fucking tits does it pain me, even now. Despite the fact I have been seeing someone steady for 4 years. I agree with the dude who said about wishing he could get a time machine to make him get his shit together. Let me tell you my pain...

(1) Occured during the summer holidays after leaving year 11. I was nieve and shy back then and had shite confidence due to being on of the persecuted bullied ones.

Low and behold one summer afternoon, I hang out with a mate of mine and his ex he got back together with and had the 1st taste of "horizontal rhumba".

His re-acquianted squeeze brought along a very tasty dark haired rock girle that was cute as fuck and wore glasses, that didn't make here geeky at all but gave her an added kinky and sultry dimension to her looks. Took a shine to me too, oddly enough.

Dragged me off into a field and snogged my face off, then much later on dragged me to a derelict factory building, a bit like someone's garage. Had "fingers in the till" and hands in pants, didn't go further as we didn't have any johnnies. Was wanting to get down to business irrespective, wish I did (but there could have been a mini me around the age of 12 or something in a parralel unluckier universe).

Bugger!! Like, how the fuck did I know she wanted to get it on with me? I mean, I haven't even had tounge sarie with a bird until that day!! Dammit!!

Promised me she would ring and meet up next time. But, alas, thwarted by going on a stupid shite holiday in Autumn in a caravan, no mates, no shag, and terminal fucking boredom.

Returned home after two weeks to meet up. Went off me, and found out that she was a bad uber slapper that (including me) was "three timing". And thus, concluded that one.

The years flew by, I lived a lie saying "I done her", but only me knew the truth (I think).

(2) Get dragged to someone's 21st, a mates girl's best mate. Thought nothing of it initially.

Until said birds mate said she was well into me, despite the fact she was a 21yo MILF and had a kid of two years old and an ex that was a coke addled little scrote that SOMEHOW pulled a blinder like her. Massive D cup tits, legs to die for and wavy brown hair down to her ass.

Was seeing her for a week, nearly put out. Then I got dumped to return back to the arsehole coke daemon ex. Tried to get back, turned very messy and had a massive acrimonious fall out with the said circle of crew I hung out with. See one of them and still speak very occasionaly despite the fact he wasn't involved but was in the circle as it were. As a consequence, even seeing this mate to speak to makes me die inside. Worst thing I ever done was meet this girl, in retrospect.

(3) Skip forward a year later. Still hideously terrible at pulling. One mate of mine is curiously jealous of how I look and found it baffling that I can't seem to get anyone. Worse is that I am blind as fuck and STILL wouldn't know a woman coming onto me if it saved my fucking life!

Briefly, this time period I was in was "Hell Week", in Feburary at the end of 1990s. Hell week because

(i) Driving test on Monday, couldn't turn up as I lost ALL paperwork necessary for that day. Even go to work and come back on day off to search for papers to no avail. A tonne of £ down the fucking bog in one go, I might as well as wiped my arse with £20 notes

(ii) Theory test expired at the end of the week. So, if I'd have failed anyway, my theory test would have expired requiring me to redo before I had a driving test. Wank biscuits!! :'-(

(iii) I am out at a favourite haunt one night, and I troop off to get a beer. I am out with 2 friends of mine and then I notice a girl speaking to one of my mates. I thought "Oh fuck no!! my mate with shitloads less confidence and self esteem is going to get some!! You cruel harse shit of a god!!!"

Turns out she was well into me, and was speaking to my mate to find out history about me and going "ground work". Like, err, ok....

All goes well with her, UNTIL I discover it was a night with several of my favourite tunes playing one after the other. Well, I am off like a shot moshing - and she pisses off.

Try to reconcile with her (she was a definite goer), but decided that the distance is too far to be seeing her long term (bullshit!!). So, after much moping and anger, I smash an empty pint glass in the food bar of this gaff (that was long empty) and walk out.

I get dragged out uncerimoniously by a bouncer and get flung on my arse, to which I say "I was having a shit night anyway, shove it up your fucking arse mate!!". One of my mates find me, and I am as low as you can get and wanted to die. Maybe a kebab would cheer me up.

Nope! purchased said "Kebab of God", trip arse over tit bruising myself and lose entire kebab all over the floor uneaten. Like, kill me now, cruel harsh god!!

Skip forward a year, and finally do a MILF and we did everything all night long. Even stayed over there (see Losing Virginity post for details).

Despite everything "all coming out in the wash" to quote a metaphore, my greatest wish would be that fucking time machine and go back to "retro-me" and tell me to get my shit together and avoid the mental scarring of having V plates for far longer than necessary.

One time, I even used to think stuff like "Fuck me, If I get killed tomorrow I will die with V plates!!!"

Thanks for helping vent my spleen.....
(Panteneman Isn't entirely sure why he bothered on, Mon 30 Oct 2006, 21:21, Reply)