Too much blood.
I woke up late and shaved too fast. I cut my lip. Well, did that sideways slice with the Mach 3 move that hurts worse than childbirth. Undeterred, I rammed Andrex onto the new pulsing lip-slit and sucked down some Cheerios which were nevertheless lubricated by enough escaping blood to taste like oaty menstrual grommets.

In a hurry I rode me trusty Yam 600 to work at high speed, and arrived twenty minutes late. I took off my helmet and a thrill of disgust ran round the staring office. The blood from my chimp-fingered shaving had continued to flow during the ride. Speeds in excess of 90 mph and open lid vents had caused the gushing blood to smear around my clock like a dirty protest from someone with burst haemorrhoids.

Quick as a sharp nine-pin tack I said I'd had my visor up and had been hit square in the mush by a piece of metal flung up from the road by a lorry in front of me.

I got commiserated with and immediately sent home on a wave of goodwill because of my lie. I spent the day on a sofa watching a box set of Peep Show and probing the finally-forming scab with my tongue. Soothing Cookie Dough ice cream may have been involved too, whilst peering at the episode with the burnt dog.

I lied on the day but can't lie to you now. This occurred. And it taught me that self-harm, even if inflicted accidentally, is always the right choice.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:10, 7 replies)

you are a hairy woman
likening a shaving cut to a childbirth gave it away.
AICMFP
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 9:20, closed)

This is excellent.
Having experience the "sideways slicing" phenomenon myself I fully sympathise. It's not so much the pain as the fact that the bastard just won't stop bleeding.
( .Yeti., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 9:53, closed)

The way to stop any shaving cut bleeding
is to buy yourself a block of alum. Wet the block with a tap, then rub it on the cut.

By the time you recover consciousness from your agony-induced blackout, the bleeding will have stopped.
(richardm, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 15:59, closed)

Clicked if only for 'oaty menstrual grommets' :D
(tcp, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 11:45, closed)

I Too
was very taken with the 'oaty menstrual grommets'!
(W3BOPLASTY, Sun 18 Sep 2011, 2:51, closed)

I am happy about the above.
Thank you.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Sun 18 Sep 2011, 10:17, closed)

Thiiiiis iiiiis your staaaag
Mummy.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Mon 19 Sep 2011, 12:59, closed)