Unbelievably contrived
The benefit of being home alone is that there's no great urgency to get dressed when you get out of the bath. A couple of years ago, I had just got out of the bath and donned my dressing gown which I didn't bother fastening as I didn't see the point, nobody was in.
I switched the TV on and the Olympics was on; women's gymnastics. Looking back, this would already look suspect, and would be only 'the boss coming for dinner' away from an episode of Terry and June. Well, it was either the olympics, or Diagnosis Murder.

I went into the kitchen to get a drink and wandered back through to the living room, only to catch my sleeve on my door handle causing me to throw nearly a pint of Ribena down myself and then throw the glass on the floor, which promptly shattered.
"Arse!" and I picked up as many pieces and shards as possible, and then got the Hoover to clean up the smaller fragments and a towel to mop up the drink.

I start pushing the Hoover back and forth, not being very effective because it's a wooden floor. So I unclipped the pipe and used that. I hadn't noticed the pipe brushing my groin. My todger did however, and went to Defcom 4. Not a semi, not even a quarter, just slightly larger. Just limbering up.
My wet dressing gown was sticking to my legs so I threw it off onto the settee. Job done, I switched off the Hoover and got my towel just as Mrs Sandettie walks in. Seems I'd forgotten she was working half day that day.
She took one look at me bollock naked, holding a towel in one hand, a vacuum cleaner pipe in the other, my slightly expanded member and on the TV a girl in a leotard prancing about doing the splits on a beam.
She looked at me and I just sighed "I aren't even going to bother explaining".
She just spent the rest of the day snickering to herself and coming out with crap puns.

"Hoover hell is that at the door?"
"I'm just Dyson some onions for tea"
etc etc
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 14:54, Reply)