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This is a question Old People Talk Bollocks

"My Gran calls the remote control The Wisher" writes Kim, "and LA Law, Lah Law." Do you know any old people? Are they as inventive or creatively befuddled as this?

(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:38)
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My Grandmother. Mother's side. Barmy.
1) Favourite song?

"Makes no sense/Sitting on a fence/All by yourself in the moonlight.../Aint it a farce/Sittin' on yer---"
My grandad would permit no further progress.
No, I've never seen a commercial release for that song either. Shame.

She would also break into a chorus of "Ever seen a bird shit a turd/and he can't get his traaaaahsers daaahn" for no apparent reason.

2) Favourite maxim?

"You don't look at the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire"

3) Best odd moment...

Grandma: You courting yet?
Little Sister: No.
Grandma: I'm not surprised: you ain't got very big tits.
Little Sister went into catatonic trance for several minutes.

4) Grandma's wisdom.

On noting that my mother was trying to learn French:
"Can't beat your own language, can you?"
Actually, she had a point there.

5) I shouldn't laugh, but...

She once spent several weeks mistaking plastic stapled for extra insulation onto the inside of the wooden window frame for fog. She remarked how quickly it had cleared up when she got downstairs. Every day. For a month.

6) Just puzzling.

In her later years, she used to introduce me to her friends in Bourne as "Doug. Brian's son." For the record, I'm neither, although there's an element of truth there. Bless.

7) Grandma's greatest achievement

She told ghost stories to my sister when she went to stay with her and scared her half to death. That woman grew up and raised a b3tan. I feel there is a connection.

Ajtag, we salute you.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 22:32, Reply)

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