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This is a question Old People Talk Bollocks

"My Gran calls the remote control The Wisher" writes Kim, "and LA Law, Lah Law." Do you know any old people? Are they as inventive or creatively befuddled as this?

(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:38)
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My Grandad
is quite 'eccentric' (for want of a better word). He said that 100% of gibbon has "a criminal look about him" and is "a thieving cockney" we saw him in the pub one night, he left an hour or so later accusing him of stealing his fleece which later turned up at my parent's house.
He also asked my best friend if she would model "Reubens style" for him when he was going through an artistic phase.
He is more famous in the village for stating that he "stopped the germans at Brockley" (an even smaller nearby village - he was in the auxillary fire service) and for "I'll cut you out of the will" should you not buy him enough pints or disrespect the self-styled head of the family (frankly, it's difficult not to sometimes).
Also he once pulled a pair of his black pants from the washing pile, wore them for several days and put them in the wash for my long-suffering aunt, who then realised they were her knickers and binned them.
I could go on.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 20:28, Reply)
on my street there is a old folks home and when i skate past this blind guy comes to window and starts yelling at me saying "i can see you" then u see him 5 mins later with one of those sticks
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 20:27, Reply)
My Grandma recently had an outpatients appointment
When she left she told my aunt in amazement "oooh, they have black doctors now".
When this story was being related to me, she pointed out that "well, he wasn't brown, he was just a bit mucky".

(He was indian)
disclaimer: she lives in a very small village
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 20:07, Reply)
My mum told me
That when she treated my naNny to a holiday in spain, Nanny was caught trying to climb over the barrier on the sides of the metal detector in the airport saying as the guards restrained her "I dont want to go through theire, it'll go off"


Oh and when my granddad went out to buy tobacco for his pipe or something before dinner, My nan used to say to us "no sweets before dinner". Hed then take me and my sister to the old sweetshop for a bulging bag of chocolate raisens in whih my sister scoffed and got told off for.

He died about 5 years ago. Ill never forget the time he laughed so much a chip came out of his nose.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:50, Reply)
I qualify as an Old person (going on 71)
and I definitely talk bollocks - especially when smoking controlled substances and washing them down with beer.

But hey, it's fun and confounds the hell out of the cats and the younguns at the local.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:36, Reply)
Does anyone else's mum
call a clothes airer an hurdy gurdy and an oven glove a milly molly mandy?

No? Just mine then.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:30, Reply)
talking of the colours of cars...
My grandad used to often get confused if too many visitors came to his house. Mid conversation, he butted in loudly "talking of the colours of cars, which we weren't, but i'd like to - who's is the red one?"
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:21, Reply)
My grandma is still pretty sane (for the most part). Last fall, she was hit by a car and broke her ankle pretty badly. She had some sort of plates-and-screws contraption in her leg. One time, she called my mom and said "I have a screw loose and need surgery." Implying that she wanted my mom to take her to the hospital for the surgery.
Before surgery, they had to give my grandma some drugs. Thus, she kept telling my mom that if she died to not let it ruin Christmas and that everyone should have fun anyway. Then, when she was taken away to the operating room, she shouted "See ya later, alligator!"
Needless to say, my grandma not only survived the harmless surgery, she doesn't remember anything she said.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:19, Reply)
My Grandma
My Dad's Mum (God rest her soul, she died last year), once asked my Dad "What happened in 1943?" My Dad replied, "Well, there was a war on.......rationing.........oh, and I was born". Cue short silence from my Grandma before she replied "Oh yes, you were born. I knew something happened to me in 1943!". Alan Bennett couldn't write it.....
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:17, Reply)
I cant wait till im old
Then no one will make me feel stupid when i say/do silly thing which I have done since the age of 10.

My graphics teacher in 1st year used to call me and my sister jillian because our surname was Gill.
He retired next year. Made a change from every teacher ive ever had calling me by my sisters name.

Oh and my Mum who isnt old calls the remote the wand....I used to call the one at my dads house the fat controller off thomas the tankengine cause it was the same size and with of a brick (he still had it 3 years ago last time i saw him)
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:08, Reply)
Not inventive, just stunning - an ex-girlfriends aunt insisted the colour of a particular item of clothing was 'nigger brown' and I, being a a self-righteous 20 year old of leftwing persuasion, had to be reminded to be polite...
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:07, Reply)
my grandmother
thinks that they put cartoons on telly so that the actors can have a break.

and she thinks that double glazing gives you lumps on your head because you need air to get through glass.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:07, Reply)
Crazy Grandparents
My Gran calls calls pizzas "pitzaz", yet whenever she goes to a restaurant, she says it properly - "peetzaz". Also says "good thinking, batman" and whenever she gets a gift or someone does something good (ie goes on a school trip) she thanks/congratulates us emphatically for about half a hour - "wow! thats fan-tastic!!!! ohhhh....thank you/well DONE!!!!!"

also my grandad, on a birthday visit to expensive japanese restaurant says to me "do you know any japanese words? like konichiwa?"

apparently he went there another time, got drunk on the japanese wine and started saying stuff like that to the waiters

still, they give me money…………
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:06, Reply)
what a sweet old woman
this is kinda funny, but kinda sad and disturbing. my mate's gran used to argue that the people who came to see her were 'angels' not 'aw look at ya, ya little angels' but proper, sent from god angels. This slightly freaked them out but became worse when she started to say she was actually in heaven and didn't like being dead.
They later overheard her telling one of her friends 'god those kids aren't all that bright, they think i'm going senile...i'm not dead for god's sake.'
Old people are great...except when they smell.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:03, Reply)
my late auntie bridy
god rest her soul, (i never met her, but i hear only good things about her) claimed that the technicolour of the sound of music gave her a pocket of wind... legendary...
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 19:03, Reply)
ahh my nanny...
I call my mum's mum Nanny. She's crazy, not in the senile sence, just a crackerjack like her dad was who died when my mum was little (ill talk about him later). Shes really cool too. Its what she does thats more crazy than what she says but heres a couple of speach related ones anyway...

One day we decided to go to chester zoo and she kept saying "i want to see the penguins! I want to see the penguins I WANT TO SEE THE PENGUINS!" happily untill we saw them. "Their not propper penguins, where are they hiding them?" Theye wernt Emporour ones...
The same day we went into the bat cave, then as we were nearing the exit we realised that nan was missing... she'd gone of folowing and talking to another family thinking they were us.

When I was a baby, my Nanny had to return to liverpool by train from london. Now my nanny is well brought up and always wears smart clothes even though shes a bit dotty (in the nice way). So when this young bloke with ripped jeans and long hair comes up and grabs one of her bags shes not happy. He asked her if she was going to liverpool and then he said he'd help her with her bags. They talk on the train where he says that hes in a band, pointing out its name embroided on his shirt. when the train stops, she pats him on the sholder thanking him and says "i hope you do really well" not believing it. She refuses a lift in his big car cause Grandda was their to pick her up.
A few weeks later when watching tv "thats him thats him!"...it was Phil Collins!
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:56, Reply)
my nan is somewhat mental, and always has been
her most common daft thing is to call me, my brother, and my cousins, with other family members names

so far today (since 5:30pm) i have been called, jaime (brother), julian (cousin), michael (uncle), daniel (cousin), and Brian (cousin)

she cant stand racism, and often moans if i tell a joke with a vague racial slur, but in the next breath says "you shouldn't be rude about the darkies, they have powers"

my grandad's no better, he has a habit of spending every day in the pub, and can only remember me & my cousins by the order we were born in (i.e. i'm number 7, my brother is number 8) and will often introduce us to his pub buddies as such

it worries me to think that some of these things may be the result of a hereditary condition of some sort
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:50, Reply)
there used to be
a disabled guy who lived next door to my grans brother. he had downs syndrome. one day whilst visiting my grans, she was talking about him and came out with the classic 'well hes had a hard life. Hes one of them Mongolians you know....'
dont know how she knew this because we never once saw him with a furry hat, ride a horse bare back or murder and pillag across asia.....
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:41, Reply)
heehee old people are funny....
One time my sister was going out to see "8 legged freaks". she told my nan, who promptly asked why anyone would want to see a film called "8 legged Priests"
Also, she used to play a number game with us called "one, two, Hitler buckle my shoe"......
I had a disturbing childhood....
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:39, Reply)
how come it's all mostly grans?
are all grans just mental?
my gran's no exception. when she visited us one time, she commented on how the trees are a much nicer shape than where she's from... ?!?
she was using a humane trap to catch mice in... then drowning them in a bucket outside...
when i was 17 she came through to tell me that sesame (see-same) street was starting and would i like to watch it
and recently in a restaurant she called a waiter over to ask if they had any of "that nice mongol juice?" (she meant mango)
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:30, Reply)
My gran is severely wrong in the head.
Whenever I see her I get exactly the same list of happenings about the family, some of which happened a full three years ago. All told as if this is brand news.

She used to get her words wrong in a Mrs. Malaprop manner. Hence several years ago, she reliably informed me that Princess Diana had that 'bull mania'.

Another one that she trotted out was that some people had been doing that 'Budgie jumping' in the town centre and opined that it was extremely dangerous.

I couldn't resist it - poker faced, I said it wasn't as bad as parrot gliding.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:15, Reply)
Bloody hellfire! What a question!
Fifteen years living in an old people's home (it was a family business. I'm not old yet) let me hear some great examples.
One example took place in another home. When we first bought the business, Dad used to go to gatherings of other res-home owners in order to learn more about the business. There he met the owner of another small home who had been having trouble with one old lady in particular who'd been constantly rambling about there being a tiger under her bed. After a while the poor bloke was begining to stress as the old lady had also begun to frequently claim that there was a 'man in the garden'. During one pretty bad day, the owner of the home had a sudden stroke of genius and told the old dear that 'The man in the garden had shot the tiger and gone home'!
He never heard another word about it.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:13, Reply)
My sister's mother in law isn't very good with words
One day, she was talking about duvets, and confusing the hell out of everyone. After a while, it transpired that she meant vol au vents.

She also cooks food in a microphone, and the four suits in a deck of cards are Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds and Tree-wee things.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:13, Reply)
Sure do..
My gran calls the options hot chocolate drinks "Opium Drink", Much to our amusement...
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:11, Reply)
Boy in shock as grandparents talk about sex in contemporary slang..
One fine summers day I was strolling through a less well known area of town, less well known to me that is. Stepping over an upturned Tesco trolley full of empty 'k' bottles what do I hear but a scabby smokers voice describing a "night out on the razz. I got totally twatted like and shagged this random guy, and i fink i got me syphilis or summit".
I looked around and to my horror, standing there having this conversation were two very ugly grandmothers. Grandparents shagging I thought. Has the world sunk this low?
But then, hark, I uncovered my mistake. I had wandered into the nearest council estate, and these grandmothers were only 28. How silly could I have been to think anyone who lived near this place hadnt been knocked up at the tender age of 12...by their brother. Called Spencer.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 18:03, Reply)
me nan
me nan makes a point of calling the instructions for any item the 'indestructables'. Shes got a point though, i try to rip them up when assembling something from ikea - they could be fuckin' laminated!
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:59, Reply)
My grandad calls his shed 'The Pyramid'

although he has had a stroke...
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:55, Reply)
My gran
My gran who's about ninety now, was a nazi spy during the war and used to shoot at the bombadiers and pilots of planes as they disembarcked. Also my great aunt was in the hitler youth...urm...sieg heil?
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:53, Reply)

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