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This is a question Old People Talk Bollocks

"My Gran calls the remote control The Wisher" writes Kim, "and LA Law, Lah Law." Do you know any old people? Are they as inventive or creatively befuddled as this?

(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:38)
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Oh yes,
He's our resident dustbin.

I'm sure most of you are too
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:50, Reply)
Flying Custard and Sausage Trees.
Whenever I went for a visit, my grandad would go out at night with a bowl of custard and fling it over EVERYTHING. The trees, the cars, the windows, even the chickens. When I woke up, he'd tell me that the flying custard had been around again, searching for a mate. He would do this every night, and leave the empty bowl in the sink with his custardy fingerprints all over it.

Then one day he started shouting about how he'd had a revelation. I followed him outside and found him tying sausages to a small tree with string. He said it would make the world "never hungry again."
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:49, Reply)
oh man
ive got a million of these. i work for social services. visiting one old woman, she insisted she told us about her deceased constipated husband
'i used to help him go by digging it out with a spoon... but i kept the spoon separate from the others'
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:47, Reply)
Not exactly an old person
but ym mum is incredibly naive. To the point that she actually doesn't know the meanings of a lot of rude, common words. She didn't even know what "fornication" was.

So one day she is cooking some meat under the grill, and she doesn't want to undercook it because, "She has a fear of undercooked mea." when I asked her why she was so obsessive about making usre the meat's well done instead of saying "I have a fear of undercooked meat." she said "I have a fetish for cooked meat."

I had to explain what it actually meant.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:38, Reply)
my nan (God rest her soul)
used to call croutons "cretins" ... it brought a whole new meaning to vegetable soup.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:38, Reply)
My gran aint that good
she only calls the remote the zapper.

I guess my other gran is wierd, she gets me baby toys when im actually 16.

My family is dull :/
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:31, Reply)
My great granny is dead now thank fuck. Miserable whispy chinned, piss ridden, stinkin, moaning old cunt. Still, the money came in handy.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:27, Reply)
My grandad still insists on giving me a pound coin everytime I go to visit him even though I'm 23. I've started putting them back in his coat pocket when he goes to to the toilet.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:23, Reply)
Surely not
My gran didn't know what a lesbian was until she was 78!
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:19, Reply)
fish and chips
my great aunt died a few years ago leaving a house full of fish and chips. the old dear was suffering from alzheimers and seemed to be stuck in a 'quick trip to the chippies' loop. the house had two large chest type fridges, which were full, a normal fridge, full and pretty much anywhere else that could accomodate the, by then, rather pungent packages.
bless her.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:05, Reply)
mum is a swimming instructor, and has just started a course in sign language so she can teach deaf children. I asked her how she would get the deaf kids' attention while they're in the pool, to which my nan helpfully answered "well she'll just clap her hands, wont she..."

gawd bless 'er
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 17:03, Reply)
My Gran
incidentally the only grandparent still living... insists on talking to me like I'm still 12. Love her, but Gamms.. please stop!
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:56, Reply)
rude joke !!
I'm at the cash point and I overhear an old bloke, telling another old bloke and his missus a joke, I can only presume it's rude because after the punchline they've all pissed themselves laughing and the old girl has cocked her wrist at him in a sort of oooh !you
naughty bugger you ! sort of way whilst covering her mouth to stifle the obvious mirth. The joke was something to do with "Albert" and "Edna" on a bus and "Edna" says something and "Albert" says (punchline)
"charabang! charabang! owz about that furra back axle?" can anybody shine any light on what might have been so amusing or does anybody know the full version. Ive got a 90 yr old uncle who's fluent in all that pre-war turn of the century shit, but even he can't help me.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:49, Reply)
my granddad used to go on at me over and over again about the same things
it took him 12 years to get over the fact that I once cycled to his house without my bike lights.(it was abou t7pm in august and therefore still light out) .
and he used to call me Malcolm frequently, which was strange, because that's my dad's name
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:47, Reply)
A gran... not mine, but a gran of a friend of mine....
Once uttered the immortal words whilst my friend and I shared the washing up, "if you see any cabbage on those knives it's sprouts". The same lady also decided that the answer to a crossword clue, "Michael Jackson's naughty album (B_ _ , 3 letters) must of course be "Bum".
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:47, Reply)
My gran
My mad Irish grandmother is a family legend.

There are too many classics to go into here, but here's a few for your consideration.

If she sees a bird or animal washing itself, she'll say it's pruning itself. (I think she may mean "preening", but knowing her as I do I can't be 100% sure.)

She once sent me a "deepest sympathy" card for my birthday. When challenged about it, she said she "liked the flower on the front". That's all right then...

My stepdad, god bless his long suffering heart, was giving her a lift into town one day. So there he is, tootling along, with her sitting in the passenger seat making her usual inane comments. Suddenly she clutches his arm and screams "watch out John, there's a bus coming!" Stepdad nearly drives into a lamppost. Turns out there was indeed a bus coming...it was pulling into a bus stop ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD.

And finally; one Christmas, the family are sitting around the table eating the usual Christmas din dins. Mad Gran is rambling on as per, and everyone is more or less ignoring her - as per. Suddenly she starts yapping on about an actress..."you know that woman... that woman....you know her...yes you do..." etc for about 15 minutes. My exasperated mother eventually said "no, mother, I have no idea who you're talking about." Mad Gran falls silent for a couple of minutes. Then she says "I remember her name! It's Facility Kendall!"

My sister and I nearly wet ourselves laughing.

It concerns us both that we have inherited genetic information from this woman....
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:47, Reply)
When my 87 year old Grandfather was in hospital
my mum and I went to visit. We were doing the general non-versation that always takes place when, out of nowhere my Grandad asked if my dad was "still a wanker?"
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:14, Reply)
old people and the wierdest they spout
My gran, ninety last week, frequently calls me on my mobile. As I work, this means she frequently gets through to my voicemail, where she will conduct a small conversation with the automated voice telling her to leave a message... thus, I recieve messages that begin with my grandmother thanking the woman in a posh voice, then pausing before slipping back into her Nottingham accent and leaving a surreal message, 'Matt, its mama, must tell you that the fishmonger on the market reckons he's out of crab next week but I don't like it anyway so I can't say i'm too upset etcetc'. When I eventually get to talk to her she acts as if there may be a hint of romance between telephone automatic voice woman and I....'so she was working for you again then Trumple, she sounds very well bought up'.
Still, where theres a will theres an expectant grandson...
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:14, Reply)
My gran
was also a racist old cow. When Alan from Eastenders came on telly one sunday she asked "why do they have to put them on telly with their big flapping lips?"
She would also insist the TV was switched off if it showed people taking drugs, even if it was just smoking spliffs.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:06, Reply)
My old man
Said follow the van, but don't dilly dally on the way.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:03, Reply)
My grandad, pan-european bollocks-telling champion, used to terrify my sister and me with the story of the blue lizards. Whenever we were playing in his garden, he warned us about the lizards (i live in the south of France), 'they are big, blue and green and long like an arm' he said. That usually made us go back to the house, because when you're 10 a 2/3 ft lizard isnt what you want to meet. Of course we never saw the blue lizards he was talking about,only small green lizards which are very common. As I grew older I realised he was taking the piss and enjoyed scaring us.
Last year, i was working in my garden, and a 80cm blue/green lizard came out of a bush. I think i screamed like a 10yr old boy. Guess what i'm telling my nieces when they play in the garden.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 16:00, Reply)
My crazy grandad
Not too long ago my grandad went through a period of shall we say 'crazy shit'.
Now what I'm going to say may sound utterly rediculous but believe me, it is all true.

Ok for starters at the moment he insists there's snipers outside the home he is in that will shoot you if you go outside. What's worse is he's convinced everyone else they exist too so they're all afraid to go outside.

Also, when he was in hospital he thought that the man in the bed next to him was an italian spy called Paulo (the guys name was Bill), he thought they hid the dead dogs in a pit behind his curtain around his bed AND he thought one of the nurses was injecting him with kiwi juice at night.

He also thinks that he fought in the first world war in france. This isn't even possible seeing as he was only born in 1917.
Then there's the fact he thinks he fought for the Nazi's in WWII when in reality he delivered milk to the hospital in Nottingham and was one of those warden thingys.

If anyone can top that I'd like to see them try.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:52, Reply)
My old person calls the remote
the tit
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:48, Reply)
My granny is a champion bollocks talker.
One of her best was the time she announced to my younger brother, who at the time was a huge wrestling fan, that Hulk Hogan, no less (at the height of his fame) had been present at the opening of the Bushey Agricultural Fair. We pointed out that is was unlikely they could afford him, and showed her a picture of Hulk Hogan. "That's him, dear", she insisted. I think we can safely assume it wasn't.

On another occasion, I was in a shopping centre with her, we went back to the car and it wouldn't start, so we went to the shopping centre information desk, who told her where to find the emergency telephone, and also the red "push to talk" button on the payment machines, if she needed to summon help from the car park. We went back the car park, and had been wandering around for about ten minutes, passing the emergency telephone more than once, as well as the payment machines, before I asked her what she was looking for. "I'm looking for a red telephone, dear". I was ten, and it's still the only time I've shouted at my grandmother.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:47, Reply)
My Dear Old Gran
now sadly departed, could be a bit of a fruit cake at times. When seeing me for the last time before I went off to Uni, she told me that the recipe for being happy was to avoid "religion, politics, and those lesbians."

Now I come to think about her, I also remember her asking me what I wanted for my birthday. This being the early 80's and me being an impressionable young teenager, I replied as a throwaway comment "Seb Coe please gran".

My birthday arrived and my gran said very seriously, "I'm sorry dear, you'll have to make do with this. I ordered Seb Coe but they delivered Steve Ovett instead and I had to send him back."
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:46, Reply)
Deaf Gran loves cranberries
My dear old grandmother, being more catholic than the pope, refused to ever utter a curse. On many occasions she has been know to utter "Ye Gods and little fishes" or the clasic "Dime bar" when she smashed her crystal glass collection. Bless her heart, she recently went deaf and I have managed to persuade her to use the expletive "Cranberies" when reffering to hee useless postman. Eg
Postman: Could you sign for this please
Her: "Certainly not, you cranberry"

Always amusing ;)
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:33, Reply)
My Great Aunt
Has sadly gone completely senile now. But on the slippery slope down, everyone else in the block of flats she lived in had to stick notes to their door reminding her that "She didn't live there", and listing which number she should go to.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:21, Reply)
My Dad
once referred to 'Saving Private Ryan' as 'Looking for Captain Hanks'.
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:19, Reply)
my gran
would pronounce catamaran catamerangue

she was normally a very clever and sharp lady, maybe it was on purpose

however my nanna was loosing it quite bad in her later years and always asked us what size shoes we had and if she could swap her hair with mine
(, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:01, Reply)

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