Back when I lived in Kentish Town
I was doing really rather well for myself, working as an awesome DJ and a clown that people could hire for children's parties...well, at least until that court case. Anyway, inbetween gigs as an amazing, shit-hot DJ I banged this well-classy, fit bird. A bit later while we were smoking crack together in her squat, she told me that she was pregnant and after narrowing down the list of likely suspects she said it was probably mine so I did the honourable thing and kicked her to the kerb. It was then that she turned completely unreasonable and when me and my mum rocked up to the hospital to watch the birth she wouldn't allow us in.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 14:54, 47 replies)

Still, it's good you're not bitter about it.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 14:55, closed)

I've got another story about how I met this fat, ugly mental from off of b3ta and after she was so grateful for a pity-fuck I realised I had literally no other options left to me

...

Reader, I married her.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 15:00, closed)

Hey, Syncubus is long gone, let's leave him out of this.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 15:18, closed)

That's what she said on the wedding night

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 15:28, closed)

^will die alone^

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 15:25, closed)

Why are you so upset?
It's just jokes on a comedy messageboard! Relax!
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 15:27, closed)

Who's this Emvee prick?
blooblooing and throwing all the toys out his arse.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 16:42, closed)

Careful, he's going Full Fathelme,

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 16:48, closed)

How very dare you, sir
I was the finest DJ and Chuckle Brother impersonator in NW5 until that unreasonable bitch ruined my life just because I dumped her ass when she was pregnant with my kid. Of course, later on I became a proper crybaby and deleted my b3ta account, but that's another story.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 16:52, closed)

You need to get out more M8

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 16:57, closed)

Stop holding onto the past

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 16:57, closed)

I don't have anything else in my life
Apart from "properly creasing up" when someone reminds me of a monosyllabic "catchphrase" from off of Storage Wars, of course
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:04, closed)

Money!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:23, closed)

That's two syllables
but well done for trying anyway
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:29, closed)

YEARP!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:35, closed)

*properly creasing up*

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:36, closed)

get your own material

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 18:01, closed)

You're right
this material's all creased
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 19:16, closed)

Ooh, you appalling bully, emvee.
Still, this'll be one of the week's better threads.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:53, closed)

not unless I post some skinks in it

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Mar 2014, 12:52, closed)