Achtung
I was once in a school "comedy" play in which I played the lead role, a German soldier. In once scene I had to pretend to be drunk on schnapps (the bottle was empty, I was only about 12) and stagger around whilst singing Lili Marlene or some such tripe.

On the final night of the play the mayor and his wife came along to watch, as did my parents. Very proud I was too.

As I reached the start of the "drunk" scene I realised I had an enormous fart brewing. A whopper. The thought of letting this one blow whilst on stage right in front of the mayor suddenly struck me as hysterically funny. In a moment of method acting brilliance that belied my tender years I thought sod it, go with the giggles, it'll make the drunk act more realistic.

Except that the giggles really took hold and the more they gripped me, the looser the grip I could maintain on my sphincter. I ended up hooting like a gibbon, tears streaming down my face, and with every laugh a small but perfectly audible portion of fart trumpeted out.

None of the audience were laughing by now. Mr Mayor didn't look very happy at all.

The time came for the staggering & singing part - but by this time I was in no fit state to do either. I tripped on the edge of the stage, fell off, rolled over onto my back - and found myself staring straight up between the legs of Mrs Mayor.

There'd been a big gasp, and then silence. I lay there thinking what the hell do I do now? I have disgraced myself comprehensively, I've brought shame upon myself, my school and my parents. Then I decided. Fuck it. It's better to hang for a sheep than a lamb.

So I took a deep breath, squeezed my eyes shut, and let rip with the rest of the fart with every ounce of strength in my body.

If only I'd shat myself too.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Mon 5 Dec 2005, 17:42, Reply)