since we lost my mother at christmas
we always go away as a family now. one year we were unbelievably spoiled as my dad took us all on a christmas caribbean cruise. (this was an incredible experience, and one which i was v grateful for, but it's not one i am sure i'd repeat this side of 60. but i digress.) my younger brother and i had to share a room. we were 29 and 27. when i whinged about this, my dad asked if i wanted to spunk up the several thousand pounds for my own room. i shut up.

my brother and i look nothing alike. so everyone assumed we were a couple. especially when we had our older brother's baby with us. shudder. and there is something about going on holiday with your family that makes you regress to being a manky child. i smeared fudge all over his hand when he annoyed me the following year. anyway, the lovely valet kept shoving our beds together and making our towels into heart shapes, and we kept ripping them apart and making each other's towels into "fuck you" shapes.

mobile phone reception was very erratic, as you would expect when cruising around various islands and across open sea. so on boxing day night, i headed drunkenly back to the cabin for something i'd forgotten, just as the boat neared antigua. reception kicked in. my mobile lit up and started filling with messages from the last few days. i picked it up to read through them.

and that's how i learned in one soul-searing eye-bleeding moment, before my alcohol-dulled senses could react, stop reading, and throw the phone far, far away, that my brother's lovely polite sweet girlfriend could not wait to lick his arse and ballsack before he pounded her from behind over the kitchen counter and gave her an "eargasm".

this was not the first time that having identical phones caused us a bit of a mix-up, but it was by far the worst! urrrrrgh.

oh and the next day he got fed up with me whinging from the bathroom how long it took him to get dressed, told me it was safe to come out, and waved his massive white hairy arse at me. NOT the kind of caribbean full moon that i had in mind.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 14:46, 5 replies)

At least it was his girlfriend
and not a male co-worker.

I have to admit, though, I would have been tempted to get a toy trombone, paint it brown and send it to her in his name...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 16:22, closed)

There.
That's this year's present sorted for her.
(Rsoles, Fri 26 Aug 2011, 11:05, closed)

Look on the bright side. At least she didn't make the fatal mistake most ladies do...
...and neglect the balls...
(Don Draper is, indeed, mad and a man., Thu 25 Aug 2011, 16:30, closed)

This seems a bit off.
1. You lost mother at Xmas, and I assume Xmas Eve or Xmas Day
2. By Boxing Day you are on a boat in Antigua

To be honest, I'd have looked around a bit in case she was just a bit confused in Morrison's before legging it off to Southampton.....
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 17:13, closed)

knowing my mother
there'd have been more chance of finding her on the shop on a cruise ship...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Aug 2011, 17:40, closed)