Almost, but not quite
On one of my first trips to Amsterdam (been for the last 5 birthdays as I'm a bit of a stoner) I was wandering through the red light district admiring the sites when this homeless guy comes over to me asking if I have any weed. I was at the tail end of a spliff and it was a wet night so I thought I'd be kind and let him finish it off. First mistake.

He starts following me asking if I have any money. I say no and keep walking but he can tell I'm an English tourist and i guess he assumed I was looking for some company for an hour or so. Still asking me for money I turn around and say 'No - look' - putting my hands in my pockets with the intention of pulling them out to show they are empty (like the elephant impression but without the trunk). Trouble was I'd forgot I has some notes in there so I try to palm them as I pull the pockets out. Second mistake.

He spots the notes so pulls out a penknife and threatens me with it. In retrospect, considering the blade was still put away and he was a shabby old tramp, I should have just twatted him in the face and walked off. But instead I look around for help and see a middle aged fat lady of negotiable affection beckoning me over. Thinking she's seen what was happening, I go straight over, into the relative safety of her cubicle, and tell her what just wnet on. She shouts out in another language (probably Dutch but it might have been Spainish) and this six foot 'built like a brick shit house' pimp comes rushing in, giving me evils that should have left me with nightmares for life had I not been too stoned to remember it properly.

She says something else and he goes storming out to presumably give the tramp the kicking of his life for scaring off punters. She sits me down and gets very motherly for a few minutes, making sure I'm OK, before asking if I would like to share some intimate time with her. After I said no (partly cos she was properly minging but mainly because I was far far too stoned to get it up), she bustles me out of her cubicle and blows me this big wet kiss in front of a load of English tourists!

I don't know what was more embarrasing - having to go to her for help dealing with an old tramp with a penknife - or looking like I'd just paid her for sex.

Besides, I was saving my cherry for b3ta.com!
(Heggy, Mon 23 Jan 2006, 19:55, Reply)